Josh Writes a Blog

Tag: ted cruz

  • TED CRUZ IS AN ALIEN, Part III

    There was a Vine video that accompanied this post, but alas, it is lost.

    INT. BEDROOM OF TED AND HEIDI CRUZ — NIGHT

    TED CRUZ kneels on the floor, his arms and hands propped up in a position of prayer on the edge of his bed. He is wearing pajamas with that iconic “Cowboys and Indians” print on them. We zoom in on him and notice that in between his hands is small black communication device to his homeworld. It is blinking in different colors. TED glances around, then speaks quietly into the device.

    TED CRUZ
    Blazzleglorp to Mothership. Blazzleglorp to Mothership. I have suspended my campaign for Earth President. Repeat, I have suspended my campaign for Earth President. The Carrot Faced Earth male, he is too powerful, he speaks to the stupid Earthlings like they are idiots and they love it. They eat it up like fresh vagblep stew. The Earthlings are dumb, but never in all my time here did I suspect they would be this dumb. They are not worth enslavement. I am returning to the Mothership. Repeat: I am returning to the Mothership. I will give the signal when I am ready.

    HEIDI CRUZ enters from the bathroom, wearing her nightgown and rubbing lotion into her arms.

    TED CRUZ
    (whispers into device:)
    All hail the phosphorescent orb Fleegflag and her million Abominations. Blazzleglorp out.
    (loudly:)
    I love you Jesus Christ, you are … a great … thing. Amen.

    HEIDI CRUZ
    How are you doing, honey?

    TED stands and then sits on the edge of the bed, facing HEIDI.

    TED CRUZ
    I register sadness. I mean. I feel sad, that we cannot continue onward, forward, toward progress in this great United States of America.

    HEIDI CRUZ
    I know, honey.

    TED CRUZ
    I trust that the Carrot Faced Man will lead the country —

    HEIDI CRUZ
    Who?

    TED CRUZ
    Ahem. Donald Trump.

    HEIDI CRUZ
    Oh. I get it. You’re so funny.

    HEIDIbegins to rub lotion onto her face, but winces when she touches her eye.

    TED CRUZ
    I’m … sorry…

    HEIDI CRUZ
    No, it’s alright, I understand. You weren’t looking. Could’ve happened to anyone.

    A beat. TED CRUZ stands. He begins unbuttoning his pajama shirt.

    TED CRUZ
    This flesh bag is difficult to control.

    HEIDI CRUZ
    What, honey?

    TED CRUZ removes the shirt. He then takes off his pajama bottoms. He is in his underwear (briefs) and, for some reason, black socks. He gestures awkwardly to his wife.

    TED CRUZ
    Come to me, human wife.

    HEIDI walks to him.

    HEIDI CRUZ
    Are … are you okay Teddy?

    TED sighs, stares at his wife.

    TED CRUZ
    I want you to know, human wife, that during all of my time on your planet Earth, stuck among your filthy, smelly human kind, with your useless television programs and your endless attachment to logical fantasies, loud, disgusting music, and pornography … that during this tremendous time of trouble for me … I … grew to … love you.

    HEIDI CRUZ
    … What?

    TED CRUZ
    Please do not take this personally.

    TED CRUZ reaches to his chest, and uses both hands to grab at the bottom of his rib cage. In a fantastical feat of strength, he RIPS his ribcage out and upward, spilling blood and his lungs and heart onto the floor. HEIDI retreats and screams in disgust and fear. TED then rips downward, exposing his guts which unravel onto the floor. Out of TED’s now lifeless, but still standing, corpse crawls out BLAZZLEGLORP, a weird looking alien being. BLAZZLEGLORP walks over to HEIDI, who is now on the other end of the room and petrified. BLAZZLEGLORP is all slimy and gross looking, and he leans in and kisses HEIDI on the cheek, causing her to retch.

    BLAZZLEGLORP
    (whispers to HEIDI:)
    Please let the other humans know, that they are too stupid to be enslaved. This is their saving grace.

    BLAZZLEGLORP walks back to the center of the room and takes the communication device from TED’s pajama pocket.

    BLAZZLEGLORP
    (into device:)
    I am ready.

    A brilliant blue flash of light and a futuristic hum enters the room from the ceiling, casting itself onto BLAZZLEGLORP’s weird alien body. It then lifts him out of the bedroom, through the ceiling. The light disappears.

    TED CRUZ’s corpse collapses to the ground in a sickening thud. HEIDI CRUZ screams again.

    FADE OUT

    The End

  • TED CRUZ IS AN ALIEN, Part I

    One of two Ted Cruz-related minisodes I wrote on Facebook and decided to publish on Medium so I at least had something on Medium.

    First, read this weird-ass story linked below:

    This story reveals that Ted Cruz’s soup obsession goes beyond anything we ever imagined
    They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but the way to Ted Cruz’s heart is through a can of soup. His…theweek.com

    Now, read this:

    INT. GROCERY STORE — DAY

    TED CRUZ, dressed in “casual” clothes that look like they were just bought or never worn before, stands in front of the enormous selection of canned soup in the canned soup aisle. His eyes wander to and fro: cans stacked on the shelves, cans loaded into those weird Pez-dispenser type machines, cans everywhere. Finally his eyes settle on: Campbell’s Chunky Soup. He does that weird little wince-smile thing that he does. Grabs one can, places it in his completely empty cart. Then another. Then another. Then another.

    CROSSFADE into his cart full of cans and the shelf devoid of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. TED CRUZ looks at the hole where Campbell’s Chunky Soup used to be, his head cocked slightly at an angle.

    A GROCER walks by. TED CRUZ clears his throat.

    TED CRUZ
    Excuse me.

    GROCER
    Yes?

    TED CRUZ pulls a can from his cart.

    TED CRUZ
    Do you have any more of this…
    (he puts the can close to his face, reading the label)
    … Camp Bell’s Chunk Soop?

    The GROCER narrows his eyes.

    TED CRUZ
    I require it for sustenance.

    The GROCER takes a step back, glances around him to verify that he is alone.

    GROCER
    Let … me check … in the back, okay?

    TED CRUZ wince-smiles again.

    TED CRUZ
    (quietly, to self, as he pets the can)
    The human wife is going to enjoy all of this chunk soop.

    The GROCER backs away quickly.

  • TED CRUZ IS AN ALIEN, Part II

    Two of two Ted Cruz-related minisodes I wrote on Facebook in response to his weirdness.

    First, watch this:

    INT. CAMPAIGN CAR — DAY

    TED CRUZ climbs into the back seat of the car. He looks pleased, but like how a mannequin from the 80s looks pleased. His AIDE gets into the opposite seat. TED CRUZ stares out the window silently for a moment, his face completely blank, save for that weird wince-smile he always has. The car begins leaving the rally.

    AIDE
    (clears his throat)
    Mr. Cruz.

    TED CRUZ
    Yes, Jack.

    AIDE
    Today, at the rally, ah … did you say … basketball “ring”?

    TED CRUZ
    I’m sorry?

    AIDE
    At the rally. You pointed at a basketball hoop, but you called it a “ring”.

    TED CRUZ
    (pause)
    Did I?

    AIDE
    Yes.

    TED CRUZ coughs lightly, undoes his tie a little.

    TED CRUZ
    Well, Jack, in the moment, you know, sometimes you get words mixed up.

    AIDE
    Sure.

    TED CRUZ
    I — I knew, a hoop, yes, I knew that. A basketball hoop.

    AIDE
    Right.

    TED CRUZ
    A hoop. Hoop.
    (he mouths the word silently a couple of times)
    Hoop. That’s a funny word. Hoop. Hoop. Hewp. Huh. How many times do you hear the word “hoop,” Jack? In your life.

    AIDE
    Not often.

    TED CRUZ
    Not often, yes. I’d say I barely hear it. So it could easily slip the mind.

    AIDE
    I guess.
    (beat; nervously)
    But, I mean, the term “basketball hoop,” it’s basically one word at this point. “Basketball hoop.” To describe that specific object, I mean, nobody, nobody calls it a “ring.” Nobody follow “basketball” with “ring,” you kn — I’ve never — I mean, I played ball in high school, college, nobody, I can’t think of a single person —

    TED CRUZ
    (abruptly, loudly)
    Beautiful day out, isn’t it?

    Beat. The AIDE shrinks back a bit.

    AIDE
    Yes, sir. Beautiful.

    The car drives on. TED CRUZ continues staring out the window and mouthing, “hoop,” “hoop,” “hoop.”