Tag: camp nanowrimo

i came here for one thing and one thing only, jack: to have sex with your sister. and she’s not even here! she texted me, look, i have all these texts and … wait a minute … you tricked me! you tricked me into coming here didn’t you? by pretending to be your sister and offering me sex. you know i don’t want to talk to you after the … incident. so what. what do you want from me? money? revenge? you think you got this all figured out, don’t you jack? think you know all the angles, know exactly what’s going on. well you know what? the only thing that’s going on is that i want to fuck your sister. that’s it. all that stuff in panama, that was years ago, that’s a different time in our lives, a time that’s behind us. so … fuck off, you know? just fuck right off and tell me where your sister is so i can stick my dick inside her. cause that’s all i came here for! and the funny thing is, you owe me so much money, jack, you owe me boatloads of money after what happened in panama, but did i come after you for it? no! because despite the fallout, in the end, you’re still my friend and my business partner. without you none of us would be where we are, jack. you gotta understand that…

[jack pulls a gun on ian]

now, see. that’s unfair. that’s so unfair. that, what you’re doing right now is so hurtful to me, jack, this turning the tables bullshit. all i came here to do was sleep with your sister, that’s all. look. i don’t have any weapons. see? i’m unarmed. not even a knife. i brought condoms, because i don’t know very much about your sister’s sexual background, you know, don’t want to stick my penis in a landmine, so to speak. and now, really, jack, is this necessary? you’re going to kill me over something that happened five years ago? why didn’t you do it four years ago? why now? this is … ridiculous. unnecessary. just put the gun down and tell me where your sister is. or don’t, actually, i don’t think i could get hard at this point anyway. put the gun away and let’s talk about panama. we can get this all figured out, okay jack? i’m, i’m going to sit down over here, alright? we’re going to figure this out, together.

[sits] okay. i think you know what i’m going to say jack, but i want you to hear it from my mouth, not from adam’s or jillian’s. i take full responsibility for what happened in panama, okay? i tried, i mean, i thought i tried to apologize to you, to all of you, now, granted, i was on the run, okay jack. i was on the run, so giving you a phone call wasn’t exactly the greatest idea. but i got word to you, i know it, benny met up with me a couple of weeks after it happened and told me you got my message, so i know. i know you know i apologized. panama was an experiment, an offshore dumping ground, you know that. it was a bubble that we carefully cultivated not to burst. but all bubbles burst, and in hindsight i wish we had seen it coming and got out sooner. but at least we didn’t get caught, right jack? god it could have been worse, it could have been so much worse. at least we got out before the leak, jack. if we had stayed one more day, we would have been implicated and we’d be in a max security prison right now. and for that, dare i say it, you should thank me, because i had the foresight to check the records, i had the foresight to check the log of data transfers. we made a mistake hiring outside of our circle jack but at least i saw the transfer before it was too late. you have to give me credit for that, jack, you have to.

now if we could just move on, look, i won’t even sleep with your sister, okay? that was me just … replying to what were apparently your texts, not hers. disappointing, but i understand.

[jack shifts in his seat, producing folded papers. he tosses them to ian.]

what is this? [reads] … ha. jack. you know this is fake, right? this is totally made up, look at this font, jack, it’s not, i would never use that font in an email–

[jack jumps up, jamming the gun in ian’s forehead]

JACK jesus christ you have to believe me, i didn’t do it, i didn’t do the transfer, i stopped the transfer, jack, this email is fake, jesus, where’d you even get this? did benny give you this? how did you get this? [crying] jack i swear to god i swear to everything holy i didn’t do it, i didn’t do it, i didn’t do it to–it, it was just backup, it was just a backup, jack i swear to god–[gunshot, jack slumps to the floor]

hey, i got some groceries, a few odds and ends. once i’m done unpacking everything let’s go through the receipt and divvy up who’s going to use what? sound good? okay. oh, and, oh my god, helen i have to tell you about this woman at the coffeeshop. are you busy? no, okay, good, so this woman, i … you know, you see a lot of people, right? and there’s all kinds of people and some, some people are fucking hot. like, super gorgeous, people you’d want to sleep with, and then there’s also people who are not as “hot” so much but are attractive and seem like good people and you want to maybe date them for a bit to see if they’re good marriage material or whatever. but this woman … i was taken aback, helen, taken aback by her beauty. i went up to the register to get an americano and, you know fillmore, they make pizzas and stuff like that, so there’s a guy washing dishes and two people, the owners i think, both prepping dough for pizzas. and i don’t see the woman yet so when she appears, shirt covered in flour, with these gorgeous blue eyes and short wavy dark brown hair. she wipes her hands on her apron and–now, in hindsight, i’m thinking, “could she tell that i was completely infatuated with her in a matter of seconds?” she took me by surprise. i was actually, honestly taken aback by her beauty. i thought that was a cliche thing you only read in books but then it happened, right there in front of me.

i mean, she is beyond my league, helen. she is in a league i didn’t even know existed, this … ethereal pixie of beauty league. i babbled my order at her because i was distracted by how gorgeous she was. i don’t know. i don’t know! i haven’t felt this way since i was in college, you know, that twitterpated feeling you get in your 20s because you haven’t had your heart broken enough. before the wall sets in, before your skin thickens so much you can’t remember what love felt like. this woman … she pierced through that wall like her eyes had laser beams inside them. and now i have to fight this feeling inside that i’m not good enough to ask her out. i have to fight this depression garbage, this shit pile of “i’m not good enough” or “i’m a burden on other people.” because i see that look on your face, i know what you’re thinking. “why don’t you ask her out?” well that would be great except for how out of my league she is, but at the same time, maybe she’s not–you see what i’m going through here? me asking her out would be a huge breakthrough in my next therapy session, helen.

i’m having a little panic attack about this woman! because in her presence i was quietly reminded that i am not worth her time. and that, i don’t believe that anymore. that is a belief i used to have, it’s the whole reason i went to therapy in the first place, but now, now … helen you have to help me. i can’t stop thinking about this woman. she’s a barista so it’s not like i can ask her out to coffee. that would be stupid. but drinks sound too forward. what should i do? what if she has a boyfriend? i have to stay positive. i have to remind myself that i could very well be worth her time. maybe we’re soulmates! maybe this was meant to be. maybe god put her there today so we could meet. i mean … maybe she was taken aback too! how crazy would that be? maybe she saw me and was knocked out by my beauty! yeah! that’s totally possible! maybe i brightened her day, maybe she’s at home now talking to her roommate about how great it was to meet me!

that’s it. tomorrow morning i’m getting a latte and i’m going to ask her out, presuming she’s there, of course. i’m going to ask her out and this is going to be the start of me pursuing what i want, come hell or highwater! god this feels great, this feels so great. thank you helen, thank you for helping me get through this, i really appreciate it. you wanna get some food? i’m starving! i feel like i could eat a horse…

hey son, i’m glad you’re enjoying your birthday. that cake was pretty delicious, wasn’t it? your mother got that at whole foods. so have a seat, i have a bit of a surprise for you. i know you think this is pretty lame but trust me, this is a great surprise. are you ready? okay … april fools! i’m not really your father! haha. no for real, i’m not really your father. my name is joe studebaker, not harold stevens. i’m from richmond, virginia, and about three weeks before you were born i was hired to become your father for an elaborate april fools prank. your mother and i decided the best time to spring the surprise on you would be your sixteenth birthday, so … here we are! this is probably all a great shock to you but it’s all true. look, i brought the contract even. this was back when we used dot matrix printers, haha. see, look, the contract legally binds me to be your “father” until the age of sixteen, wherein we reveal that it was an april fools joke. see, your mother signed it and i signed it. pretty crazy, right?

now this is probably all a bit of a shock. i understand. to answer a few questions: no, i am not your biological father, nor am i your adopted father. your mother owes nothing to me other than the weekly stipend she paid to me since hiring me, as well as occasional room and board. you’ll read that in the contract, page four, paragraph six, subsection twelve. the contract allowed me to, for all intents and purposes, impersonate your father, vis a vis looking like i was “in love” with your mother, taking care of you, stuff like that. no sex though, oh no. i’m married! my wife lives just down the road. i have two kids of my own. no, this was just my job for the past sixteen years, and it was a really great one. really really great. but, as of this day i am no longer employed by your mother and thus will be taking my leave. it was really great getting to know you all these years, danny, really it was. watching you come out of your mother’s womb, helping to rear you into the handsome young man you’ve become. i’m honored, truly, and i loved watching your mother fawn over you from day one. it’s really a treat, really, truly.

well. you should get back to your birthday party. it looks like it’s getting pretty crazy! trevor and donald have been playing halo non-stop since they got here. those guys really need to learn how to talk to people! hah. anyway. i’ve got an uber picking me up in about five minutes–sherry and i, sherry’s my wife, she and i are going to vegas for the weekend! yeah. we’re also looking into moving back to virginia. we’re both from virginia. so … we kind of want to go back. it’s been a real honor being a part of your life, i mean that, but … i think you can understand that it caused some issues with my marriage. sherry likes new hampshire but neither of us expected to live here for sixteen years! i mean, god, my kids are adults now! julie is off to graduate school, kevin is just starting his freshman year at northwestern. it’s crazy how time flies when you’re pretending to be another child’s father. now that this is over with i can spend more quality time with my actual wife, you know, see my julie in those plays that she does. kevin does watercolor or something, i don’t even know. i don’t even know, danny! how insane is that? i barely know my own children but i know exactly what crayon you’ll pick out of a box of 64 crayons. every time. light blue. i know your favorite food is ramen, i know the month you finally stopped peeing the bed, all that. i know everything about you danny but i know nothing about my kids.

so … i … hope you’ll understand that i’m not coming back. sherry and i are going to find a life away from here. i hope this doesn’t discourage you, son… danny. the time i spent with you was beautiful. really. helping toilet train you, teaching you how to play catch. that summer in the hamptons! oh my god i never thought that would ever happen to me. i’m just a guy pretending to be your father, you know? but, that was all your mom. she could afford that, not me. she … she’s a wonderful lady. you remember that, okay danny?

well. i’m … i’m gonna go. you take care. don’t eat all the birthday cake, okay boy? haha. okay. have a … have a good life.