A Life Blog about My Life, Dawg

  • 121: what knows the pageant (fawm 2016)

    surveys the crowd
    the only place she feels safe
    the lights and the sound
    her bodice it starts to chafe
    imagines the crown
    placed on her head
    when they said

    what knows the pageant

    standing outside
    trying to light a smoke
    shivering hard
    her jacket slung like a cloak
    stung like a bee
    she finds her words
    before all the girls
    are culled in herds
    she needs words

    what knows the pageant

    the other 49 seem calm
    (like the end of a broken record)
    they’ve got the judges in their palm
    (and hearts rendered out of cardboard)
    she feels nothing in her chest
    (but a brand of insipid feelings)
    fakes a smile when she’s addressed
    (but the lights have her reeling)
    the announcer speaks
    in all bass, no treble
    his question a mess
    but she looks so good in her dress

    what knows the pageant

    surveys the crowd
    the only place she feels safe
    the lights and the sound
    her bodice it starts to chafe
    imagines the crown
    placed on her head
    if only she remembered
    what she said…

    what knows the pageant

  • 120: ohio hurts an america thought (fawm 2016)

    everyone’s talking out their ass today
    gotta find a new group of friends
    eighteen, stuck in the middle of nowhere
    akron, ohio!

    myriad of hours to while away
    working at the lonely hardees
    on the east side
    taking smoke breaks in the parking lot
    and not just tobacco!

    pack my aging backpack to the brim
    board the train heading west
    watch the sun streak by in an empty sky
    i am longing for a new life
    longing for one
    let me go

    might as well go to university
    smack dab in the middle of town
    21 and i’m a freshman in
    akron ohio!

    studying business like the bourgeoisie
    working mornings at the einstein brothers bagels
    i’ll never see a coast on either side
    no matter what i do

    jab my thumb out onto the interstate
    hope i’ll hook a ride to portland
    maine or oregon i don’t care
    i’m just longing for a new life
    longing for one
    help me go

    all these years i thought
    i could run away
    but i’m stuck in the middle
    felt my roots grow deep
    i keep losing sleep
    i am grasping for a new life
    grasping for one
    let me go

    standing knee deep in a mortgage
    wife kids and a couple of dogs
    55 and finding peace here in
    akron ohio!

    tryina loosen all this baggage
    take a couple swings at the brookledge golf course
    my handicap is high but i’m alive
    in akron ohio!

  • 119: in altars (fawm 2016)

    [February is February Album Writing Month, or FAWM. I’ve thus been focused more on lyrics than monologues. But the hell with it, I’ll just post my lyrics like monologues, kill two birds with one stone. Just think of it as musical theater.]

    take solace in the fact
    that you’re a sliver in the universe
    that you’re taking up a tiny little spot
    as the virus on an atom called earth

    so ruthless your attack
    trying so hard to destroy this nucleus
    but no matter the tonnage of the bomb
    you’ll never move on
    you’ll never find out
    if this was ever worth it

    so descending to your knees
    tendrils searching for an answer
    from above
    crying out for divine love
    for someone to tell you why

    in altars you describe
    how the land was formed by omni hands
    how the life was given gentle breath
    how you owe your soul to the one above

    but something doesn’t jibe
    you’ve scanned the yellowed pages for connection
    rubbed your fingers over tiny fonts
    wondered how small the smallest thing could be?

    pressed your palms together thus
    formed the question of the meaning of us
    the shiver in your breath
    but nothing left
    from the heavens to discuss
    now your parish wants to know
    what you learned up in the mountaintop glow
    there’s a hollowness inside
    no answer coincides
    and there’s no wisdom to bestow…

    in altars came the pain
    told the nonbelievers what they want to hear
    kept the crusade as defense against affront
    while you studied secretly the smallest things

    your responses were to feign
    and pretend that something out there loved us all
    but in darkened rooms the tears would always fall
    as you reconciled your existential angst

    when you looked up at the stars
    to distract yourself from numerous wars
    fought for an abstract cause
    you pause
    and mourn the death of scores and scores
    your just god never spoke
    your consciousness never awoke
    to the sound of the praying mass
    you cast aside the belief
    with a sigh of relief

    take solace in the fact
    that you’re a sliver in the universe
    that you’re taking up a tiny little spot
    as the virus on an atom called earth

  • 118: joanie

    look, let me just say what i want to say and then i’ll be out of your hair forever. okay? because i’ve got this, this, this soreness in my chest, right, this thump thump thump and it’s not my heartbeat, it’s my body … fighting over whether to tell them or not. it’s my conscience, it’s my consciousness … we have to tell them, jake. that’s what it’s telling me, it’s been telling me this for ages now. we have to tell them. the more time we spend with our mouths zipped up, the longer the ache pulls me down, and i’m afraid in a year or two i just won’t be able to take it anymore and i’ll blow my brains out, just to stop this constant aching. the only thing stopping me is you and those big meaty fists of yours. i don’t even care if i go to jail anymore. look you can tell them i did it, jake, you can tell them i did everything just as long as people know. people gotta know. they gotta know. i see them on the news and i– i just can’t take it anymore. they’re dying, jake. they’re dying inside. and i feel it and it’s making me die inside too. you know i love you jake but that won’t matter if i can’t feel anything for anyone. you get me? you get me jake? if we don’t tell anyone tonight i’m gonna kill myself, i swear to god. if you care about me even one little bit you will let us talk. let us talk jake. let us talk.

  • 117: alphabet with nothin (fawm 2016)

    you’re always talking in complete sentences
    but i still wonder what you’re saying
    you’re speaking in an alphabet with nothin
    but gutteral parlance
    and not as much conveying
    it’s hard to form a bond
    when it’s impossible to respond
    so won’t you help me out
    and start speaking english baby

    sometimes when you make the bed i’m seething
    cause who cares if a bed is made
    it’s not like the rest of our life looks perfect
    the bed’s just a place where we get laid
    the mess is where i thrive
    it reminds me that i’m alive
    so won’t you help me out
    and leave all that shit alone

    pancakes are a sucker’s breakfast i swear
    they just fill you up too fast
    sausage and a waffle, two eggs, hashbrowns
    now there is a meal that’s built to last
    so here’s where i went wrong
    you were my pancakes all along
    so won’t you help me out
    and be better breakfast baby

    judy heard your mother say that one day
    you’d die in a burning building
    seems a little harsh in hindsight
    though at the time i agreed with everything
    and i would start the fire
    yeah i’d build the biggest pyre
    so won’t you help me out
    and give me a reason not to

    nothing is as good as you think it is
    it’s all just a goddamn shitpile
    take a step away from facebook
    see how your clothes make you look so juvenile
    life has no meaning
    we’re all gonna die
    so won’t you help me out
    and die first!

    la la la la

  • 116: careless on gangsters (fawm 2016)

    i saw you careless on gangsters
    there on the tv in front of me
    hiding out for a weekend
    felt like a goddamn eternity
    you should try
    to talk them down
    you know they run
    the whole damn town

    i saw you careless on gangsters
    out in the backyard, you went too hard
    spending nights in a bunker
    deep underground, could we discard
    all these truths
    you like to spew
    in front of men
    who could kill you

    we’ve no sense
    of how they feel
    i’d rather not
    see that reveal

    i saw you careless on gangsters
    now we’re a wanted man and wife
    all this running from gangsters
    never thought i’d see so much strife
    i saw you careless on gangsters
    won’t it behoove you to shut your mouth
    cause we’re running from gangsters
    all day all night, we’re heading south
    i saw you careless on gangsters
    i saw you careless on gangsters

  • 115: that weird yet surprisingly profound homeless guy

    back on track, jack. you gotta cut all that slack and attack the flack that keeps shredding you, boy. find the joy in the mystic toys the universe birthed to surprise you, to hone you, to keen you into a body built from stardust. you must trust me thusly: you are, and are not, special, that is the mystery i see in fortunes free falling around you and me. you, unique representative of particular consciousness, a mess of chemical stress, invested in by billions of bilious and ebullient bacteria biding their time in your gut. and yet, you strut, like the cock of the walk. we balk at this, because we sense you miss the grand gesture of humanity–that we are freely similar beings, wholly one and wholly all, comprised of vice and venison strips, coagulated amid red blood and pink meat wrapped around bone and tied with sinew. our bodies a mold, our consciousness boldly separate, prepped to let thoughts flow through tongue and cheek, deliberately sneaking in nuggets of wisdom. we are holding cells of independent thought, and what thought it can be, a sea of free will, you and me independently conjuring similar images in our divided minds. is that not worth your awe? you saw how complex and how vexed you were at the myriad aspects of the universe. it’s tough. but you’re tougher, rougher than the coarse stuff your ancestors tread over to bear your consciousness into the world. you’re stardust, and meat, and light on your feet, and soon you’ll be weekly out dancing in the street.

  • 114: gwen

    conrad, darling, do me a favor and draw the blinds, will you? i want to strip out of my eveningwear and i’d prefer not to have the neighbors gawking at me. and start a bath? with epsom salts? thank you. and whatever you do, don’t peek, you know how shy i am, conrad! now let me tell you about the gala tonight. it is going to be simply fantastic! edward has contracted a man from fifth street to carve an enormous ice sculpture of a swan, complete with a little funnel from the top of the sculpture to a hole at the swan’s bottom. you can pour your favorite liquor at the top and then drink it as it comes out of its little, hm, what is it called? cloaca! yes, oh my, it’s going to be great. susan has ordered truffles, all kind of truffles, with chocolate and caramel and vanilla filling. and i believe trevor contacted the caterers who are going to make little ham and cheese quiches! imagine, a tiny quiche! conrad can you imagine that? conrad what are you up to over there? don’t look! i’m barely in my negligee. conrad are you making a noose? am i *boring* you conrad, to the point of suicide? oh i’m so sorry, i’m sorry this gala is going to be enormous and wonderful that talking about it has made you want to hang yourself. please. is the bath drawn yet?

  • 113: seth

    you know, out of all these things that i want, you know what i want the most? i want you to be disappointed in me. i’d love for you to have any reactionary feelings towards me whatsoever. you’re my fucking father for chrissakes, you lay there in your chair just not giving a shit about anything. everyone’s gone and now it’s just you, alone, in this hellhole of a house. and when i come by to say hello and tell you that my marriage failed and that i’m being checked out by a doctor for a fatty liver brought about by drinking, and that i lost the dream job i’ve always wanted because i can’t even get myself out of bed in the morning, all i want, all i want is for you to be disappointed in me. all i need is for you to say, “son, get your shit together.” all i want is advice or direction. just point in a fucking direction! north, south, east, west, whatever. diagonals even. give me something i can hang my hat on. instead you bit your lip after ted was born and never let go. and that’s fine, now. you keeping your mouth shut gave me the drive i needed to get out of this piece of shit town, to seek answers elsewhere. so thanks for that, i guess. but once my past caught up with me and i just needed some guidance, hell, i may be 46 but i still need guidance, dad–after all that time, you’re still here, watching reruns of frasier on your shitty TV … still biting your lip. never enough to draw blood, yet still gnawing.

  • 112

    i don’t talk a lot. because people respond to you when you say things. i mean, like, physical response. atomic response. what i say is waves that interact with the atoms in your body. and these things build up. so when i talk about how great my day is, my words charge through the atmosphere to you and reverberate against you, hopefully in some positive way. same with negative stuff. i spent a lot of time talking shit, spewing shit out of my mouth and making people feel bad, and once i realized how bad i was making people feel, i tried to be more positive, to speak more positively. and it worked, for a time. but then that positivity felt false, felt like i was making it up. felt unclean. not true. and truth is important to me. if you are anything in your life, be true, be honest, and don’t be afraid of that honesty. so i … stopped talking. because i couldn’t lie to people. i stopped talking. right now i’ve been talking more than the past six months combined. my throat hurts. i want my words to mean something, not be used against you. that’s why i’m quiet.