Category: 267monologues

this is your god’s fault. this is your belief manifested into action. the lives of innocent people enjoying a saturday night, people out to have fun, to dance, to feel comfortable with their sexuality in a club where they feel like they belong. where they do belong. this is their collective home, and you have destroyed it because your god believes it’s wrong. what kind of all-powerful, all-seeing god would want its creation killed senselessly? what kind of god fails at creating mankind, then asks man to destroy itself? how can anyone, anyone believe in such a creature? i tell you this: god cannot be a vengeful thing, because vengeance is not good, and vengeance is not smart. it is not logical. it is senseless and mindless, and a god should have perfections in both of those things. your god thinks homosexuality is a sin; why did he give mankind homosexuality then? and why in god’s name would you kill another man because of it? you think it’s disgusting? and yet your own sexual vices, which you practice in the darkened chambers of your own home, they are fine, they are good, they are exceptions. when a priest sodomizes a young altar boy, a boy conditioned to love the church, what does that teach him? if we are all sinners, why is one sin superior than another? what gives you the right to destroy the lives of innocent people? your god told you. it’s in the quran. it’s in the bible. you’ve been indoctrinated to hate. you’ve been told that your life is superior to another’s, or that their life is inferior. why? what makes you so god damned special? and what makes your imaginary man in the sky so fucking great, so great that it gives you the right to gun down a hundred people? i’ll tell you what: nothing. nothing makes anyone or anything that special. nothing.

sometimes you just gotta get out in your boat and drive off toward the sunset. or, i guess, the sunrise in this case because we’d have to go east. and i don’t know about you but i am not a morning person so i guess sometimes you just gotta get out in your boat and drive off during the, uh, late afternoon, yeah, with the sun kind of behind you. if i owned a boat that’s what i’d be thinking. i only have a moped right now and it’s basically broken so i’m not going anywhere at any time of the day! you know! but if i did have one, well, you know. i already told you. the point, i think, moreover, in a way, is that we gotta take break, and the best way to take a break is on a boat. right? unless you don’t like boats, but who doesn’t like boats? you don’t? ah. this … date is not going well. look, at least you got a free meal, right? i’ll even buy you another glass of wine. i didn’t know if this would be good are not and yes to answer the look on your face i do know that i’m talking too much and should leave some room for you to speak, but the problem is, i don’t do that. why? i don’t know. because if i stop speaking then your response will shatter me. that’s really lame i know but i am a fragile little manchild. we all are now. welcome to the 21st century.

my period. i want to talk about it. i want you all to know about it. it exists. it’s blood that flows out of my body. it’s important, it’s natural, it happens all the time. it hurts my insides, every month i am given at least two days, usually more like three or four, where my insides twist themselves into knots that hurt so bad i have to lie down. imagine, men, that once a month, for just a day, i’ll give you that–for just a day you were kicked in the balls for 24 hours. that’s what it’s like having your period. hell i’ll give you twelve hours, sometimes i’m asleep. and some women don’t have periods anymore. it’s like, instead of periods, they have anemia. i don’t get it. eat some meat! get some red flushed into those cheeks. get your birth control sorted. you gotta have that pain. this is the problem with guys, with guys now especially, guys who’ve never had a lick of trouble in their lives. they go around aimlessly bored because they’ve never felt anything, and because they’ve never felt anything, when they do feel something, it’s like the end of the world. so boys, i’m telling you, get a period. get something. feel something. feeling is the first step to empathy. science can give you a period, i know, i watched a youtube video about it. but don’t give me shit for having one. it’s my body, it’s one-half of the population’s bodies, alright? and yet you get all grossed out having to buy tampons at the store. give me a break.

so, lemme just … you’s a crimefighuh, and y’name is “the chumb bumbler”? wha .. what is that exactly? how is that a thing i should be scared of? are you saying y … y’bumble chumbs? whatsa chumb? do i have a chumb? are you gonna bumble my chumb? what does that mean? what are y’gonna do to me? where is the chumb, can ya point it out? you can say anythin’ right now if ya wanna, really, go ahead. … nah? fine. i get it. youse the quiet type. calm. keepin’ silent onaccount of y’don’t even know what y’name means. people prob’ly ask ya all the time. “whatsa chumb bumblah?” they ask, and whaddya say to ’em? nothin’! cause you dunno what y’goddamn name means even! what kinda crimefightuh are ya?! jus’ some ol’ looney in a mask and a cape. that’s all. y’don’t even have any powuhs, do ya? i ain’t seen you do jack diddly squat since y’caught me. nah. y’know what you are? a fake. a phony! y’just a … a … a … a chumb bumbler! that’s it! a big fat chumb bumbler! aha! that’s where it comes from! i geddit now! that’s perfect! hahaaaaa, perfect! yous a chumb bumbler! always bumblin’ chumbs! haha! hahahaaa! [mickey keeps laughing maniacally]

we were concerned that setting up the perpetual warfare zone in paltonok space would demoralize the military. the truth is, and we were up front about this from the start, is that it is simply a zone to keep men in the military, specifically to weed out the “bad ones” from those men we wanted to keep for intimacy purposes. of course, we also had to deal with the invasion but at this point, 20 years post-hive destruction, there wasn’t much of invasion to deal with, mostly stragglers which were easily dealt with. but if you check the logs, from the start we told anyone who asked that the paltonok guard was just to keep the dangerous men away from those who could promote peace within the district. this was at least 800 years in the making, thanks to president clinton, the bringer of the matriarchy to the american union. we thought that this would cause a rift, and it did, for a while. many wars ensued, and from those wars we established this perpetual sense of warfare, and the notion that men were largely drones within that warfare. and believe me, even 800 years later we are concerned that men will reject this notion and want to rise up and return to the patriarchy, but the opposite happened: they embraced the war culture, especially after the hive arrived. even more so after we established brothel bases in every cruiser in paltonok space. i’m telling you, once you get a drone’s rocks off, he will fight for anything, anytime. so these “bad apples,” the criminals, the murderers, etc, they’re just looking for a little shape to their lives, and we give to them. we put a gun in their hands and say, “kill the hive,” and they do it, with the promise of a warm bed, warm company, and free food in exchange. those who don’t qualify as drones are left on earth to propagate the species. and nobody complains! if a man in paltonok complains about his station we can always take him to a reevaluation zone, even ship him back to earth for reassignment if he is worthy. it’s very rare that that happens, though. i think, after all this time … men like to be drones, as long as they get their dicks wet. and that, ladies, is the power of the pussy.

landing was the easy part. even with a broken landing gear we still had to deal with the outbreak in the cabin. a funny thing happened: we lost cabin pressure while some of the people were in the process of becoming zombies. because of this, they suffered brain damage (because they weren’t near an oxygen mask) before they zombified. this made them … different kind of zombies. whatever the virus is, it tends to focus on the primitive brain, but these people’s brains were severely damaged and so they were, in a way, zombies before they suffered from the virus. made them different, a little more … intelligent? strangely enough. they coordinated the zombie attack as we were landing, we could hear people screaming and fighting, slamming into the cabin door. nobody got in, thank god, or we’d all be dead. all in all twelve survivors, the rest zombies or these low oxygen zombies. we tried fighting them off but there were too many and so we had to run. so now we’re here. six people left. the other six … well. we all know what happens to people in the long run these days, don’t we? but we thank you for your hospitality and i assure you we won’t stay any longer than we need to. just need a day or two to rest and get fed. we’ll repay you by leaving you the hell alone.