because content. that’s why.

A while back, I saw a friend’s Instagram story, wherein they displayed what song was #1 on the Top 100 Billboard charts on their 18th birthday. I thought it would be neat to extrapolate that and make a playlist with every #1 song on the Top 100 Billboard chart during the week of my birthday (5/12, write it down, I love presents) for as long as I’ve been born. Then, in peak Belvillian fashion, I began writing the post and then promptly forgot about it. But I am resurrecting it now! Because I can. The results are … interesting, to say the least. Let’s review it—for content!

Here’s the playlist on Spotify if you want to listen along.

1983: Beat It – Michael Jackson

A classic song of the modern era and the Hard Mode version of separating the art from the artist. Sure, Michael Jackson diddled kids in his neotenic Neverland Ranch, but his songs are good! They’re too good! Ah well, Michael’s career is incredible and his life is ultimately pretty tragic. A complicated figure. I love how the music video asks us to watch Michael cosplaying as some kind of gang member or thug or something. Please, man. Give us a break. Nobody ever thought you were hard enough to be in a gang, even in 1983.

1984: Hello – Lionel Richie

Another classic song, this time by a guy who didn’t diddle kids, as far as I know. The chord progression in this song is excellent, and Lionel spends no time getting to the chorus, which is the best part so it makes sense to ramp up there ASAP. Of course, we all know this song because of the music video, in which we get to see a blind woman make a terrible sculpture of his head. Kind of sours the project a bit, don’t you think? On the other hand … would a blind woman make a perfect sculpture of Lionel Richie’s head? Probably not. A perfectly topographical sculpture, maybe. So you have to forgive her a little bit.

1985: Don’t You (Forget about Me) – Simple Minds

I mean, can you think of a more iconic 80s song than this? Sure, there are a lot of iconic songs from the 80s, but if you were going to ask me to name the iconic song, the one that defines the 1980s, I’d probably pick this one. It’s great and it just embodies the 80s in a way that other songs don’t. This song is simultaneously timeless and incredibly timely, and honestly, you just don’t hear stuff like this anymore. It’s got a quality that’s truly different. I’m glad it was #1 when I turned two.

1986: Greatest Love of All – Whitney Houston

This is the first song on the list that I’ve never heard before, which is surprising. Though I’m not much of a “ballad” fan, so it probably just slipped past my radar. It’s a fine song but ballads generally don’t wow me, with a few exceptions. (Like Houston’s better hit, “I Will Always Love You.”)

1987: With or Without You – U2

Wouldn’t be the 80s without U2. Not their most iconic song, but it’s up there. It’s alright. Not my favorite U2 song (I don’t know if I even have a favorite U2 song) but it gets the job done. I have a hate/love relationship with U2 — I think the first three or four songs on each of their albums is alright, but the rest of the album sucks. Frontloading your Side A is a key staple of album creation back when albums still had sides, but for U2 it just feels like they don’t have enough good material.

1988: Anything for You – Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine

Another song I haven’t heard before. I’ve never been a huge fan of Gloria Estefan, to be fair. It’s alright. I have virtually no opinion of it!

1989: I’ll Be There for You – Bon Jovi

Did you know that the Friends theme is a cover of this song?! I had no fucking clue. How wild is that? I guess the 80s power ballads really struck a nerve with the Rembrandts.1 It’s a decent song, surprised it made #1 though. One of those scenarios where a song hits #1 and 20 years later you’re like “That song?” Bon Jovi really chews those vocals though. All rough and growly. Good job sir.

1990: Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor

Hey remember when Sinead ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL? Good song (thanks Prince). Fuck the Pope. Good on Sinead for speaking her truth even though it basically ruined her career. For the Pope? He’s just a guy in a funny hat! A fuckin’ Nazi was the Pope for a bit there! Anyway, take it easy, Catholics. He’s just a guy in a funny hat, okay? I’m sure if Jesus came to Earth today he would look at the Pope and be like, “What’s up with the hat?”

1991: I Like the Way – Hi-Five

Hadn’t heard of this song but I enjoyed it! Very, very entrenched in early 90s hip hop. The video screams “ripping off MC Hammer” but you can’t really fault them for that. Classic 808 sounds in there, just *chef’s kiss*.

1992: Jump – Kris Kross

This song, as the kids say, “slaps.” Novelty aside (they wore their pants on backwards!), it’s just a really fun song and the sample is excellent. It’s a solid early 90s hip hop song! I hadn’t heard it in decades and it really holds up. Like their backwards pants! Makes me wish they had gone farther in their career.

1993: That’s the Way Love Goes – Janet Jackson

First off, there’s a whole intro to this music video that I never knew existed because VH1 or MTV would always cut it out to get straight to the song. I was 10 years old when this song came out but I didn’t really see the video until I was 13 because that’s when my parents finally got cable. And right on time too, because puberty hit and this song and video were Too Sexy and helped contribute to confirming my heterosexuality for sure. This was back when sexy music videos and Sears lingerie catalogs were all we had. Anyway I’m sorry, this is a very sexy song and very groovy and good, I don’t mean to make this all about how stupid hot Janet Jackson is.

1994: The Sign – Ace of Base

Absolutely one of my favorite songs of all time. A classic. We all know this song. No need to continue.

1995: This is How We Do It – Montell Jordan & Wino

Another classic, a song you could play at a house party now, in 2022, and people would dance to it. It’s weird to think back on 90s rap and hip hop and remember how much it swirled around gang violence. Nowadays it’s almost come full circle with the Soundcloud rappers all killing each other. This is one of those songs about being cool and having a good time and NOT killing each other. (“All the gang bangers forgot about the drive-by”.) Thanks, Montell, for providing a safe space for gang bangers.

1996: Tha Crossroads – Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

This song was everywhere when it came out. You couldn’t walk to the end of the block without tripping over this song three times. People were freaking out about the fast-paced rapping style. We were like, “This is impossible. No one can rap this fast.” Remember, friends: Snow walked so that Bone Thugs-N-Harmony could run. I’m not hooked on this song or anything, it’s alright, but it certainly is iconic for hip hop in general.

1997: Hypnotize – The Notorious B.I.G.

This is one of those rap songs where you could hate rap but you can’t hate this song. Biggie’s flow is just too good. The song is too good. The gang violence of the 90s sucked ass. Imagine if Biggie was alive today, all the great stuff he would’ve put out. Ah well, just a classic of the 90s. I’m biased because I was 14 when this came out so everything was amazing because my frontal lobe was in deep thinker mode, but still. Great song.

1998: Too Close – Next

Genuinely shocked that this song is here. I think about this song at least once a month, if not more. It’s one of the first songs I remember where the lyrics are just explicitly sex-related. This song is literally about a guy dancing with a girl and he’s grinding on her and he gets a boner. That’s the song. That’s literally the song. And it’s not a bad song, music-wise! But it’s like … that’s all you came up with? A boner song? And, honest to god, I didn’t know it was about that for yeeeaaars. At some point I listened to it and was like, “Wait a minute … did he just say ‘it’s almost like we’re sexing’?” The late 90s were wild, folks.

1999: Livin’ la Vida Loca – Ricky Martin

It’s amazing how influential MTV and VH1 were back in the day. I feel like if this song came out now it wouldn’t be nearly as popular because music influencing is so fragmented these days. This song was heavy rotation on MTV, you’re singing it in your head right now, you don’t even need to watch the video, you know exactly what this song sounds like. Too bad Ricky’s in some hot water right now for sexual assault allegation against his nephew (yikes). But you can’t dodge the immensity of this song. It is a Templar Crusade of music.

2000: Maria Maria – Santana feat. The Product G&B

Santana was your dad’s music until 1999. The guy came basically out of nowhere with this album that absolutely demolished the airwaves. “Smooth,” with Rob Thomas … again, you know what that song sounds like, unless you lived in a cave 20 years ago. I owned this album, I listened to it constantly. This was a great track, Smooth was good too, honestly.2 There’s a track with Eagle-Eye Cherry in there, remember him? I’m telling you, if you haven’t heard this entire album, you owe it to yourself to have a listen. Santana is legit.

2001: All for You – Janet Jackson

Two Janet tracks on this list and I am happy with that. This was three years before that Super Bowl thing and Janet’s arms are sculpted. Girl is working out. I love this song, it’s so bright and fresh and it just feels good to listen to.

2002: Foolish – Ashanti

Hey it’s Terrence Howard! It’s funny how he’s playing some kind of abusive boyfriend in this music video because apparently he’s an abusive asshole in real life! Wow. This is a classic of the 2000s and a good song, but also marks the start of the #1 hits diverging from my own personal tastes. It happens; it was around this point that I started to become obsessed with indie music and, strangely, French house. C’est la vie.

2003: Get Busy – Sean Paul

Further diverging. Unsurprisingly I have heard this song, but never “officially,” as in, I’ve never sat down and listened to it. It just existed in the world in 2003. You couldn’t not hear it. It was a fog of Sean Paul. I actually kind of like it but I feel like I didn’t really listen to it at the time because it felt so absolutely distant from who I am as a person. In hindsight that was a stupid opinion — it’s not like I felt that way about “Hypnotize” — but that’s what happens when you’re in your 20s. You make silly decisions for silly reasons. (To be fair, imagine me at 20 blasting this from my 1990 Pontiac Grand Am that my grandmother gave me because she had her feet amputated due to diabetes.)

2004: Yeah! – Usher feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris

God, Usher. Usher is the reason I know about the Adonis Belt. I saw some video of him on MTV around this time where he was talking about his fitness routine, and he was doing I believe hip thrusts for the ol’ belt. D’Angelo’s “Untitled” music video came out four years before and I think every guy was thinking about D’Angelo’s … I mean their own Adonis Belts. Usher I think is one of the first people I saw that made me think, “Oh, there are levels of life that I’ll just never reach.” I don’t even mean that negatively, I just saw his rise to fame and was like, “Holy shit, I’ll never get there.” Another song that was absolutely everywhere and is STILL everywhere thanks to commercials. Also, Ludacris! Much better rapper than he is actor. (Okay I take that back, he’s gotten better over the years.)

2005: Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani

We won’t get into the level of crush that I had for Gwen Stefani growing up, or how that crush deflated immediately once she started dating Blake fucking Shelton. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were the perfect alternative couple. I won’t be swayed here. No Doubt was one of my favorite bands of the 90s. So this song was a weird departure. Listening to it now, the sparseness of the track is so surprising. It’s kind of … not good? I don’t know. It’s so different and strange compared to her No Doubt stuff. I think it got popular more because it was like an anthem, rather than a good song. Whatever, I still respect Gwen for guesting on a Brian Setzer Orchestra song. Takes guts to attach yourself to the swing revival of the late 90s.

2006: SOS – Rihanna

I don’t really know this song very well. I know “Umbrella” better. But good lord, this lady is attractive. Hoo boy. I don’t have much of an opinion on the song. It’s alright. Honestly, “Tainted Love” is a better song because it’s not just a constant sample on repeat.

2007: Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5

I barely know this song but it’s great that it’s here considering the recent cheating controversy about the Maroon 5 guy. I was never a huge fan of this band and I’m still not. But I think this song is pretty good. But to me it also sounds different from most of the other Maroon 5 songs I’ve heard cause it’s got a good beat and a kind of disco-y vibe to it, which I generally enjoy. Unfortunately I’ve always thought this band was kind of douchey to begin with, so this is the most I’ll ever listen to Maroon 5.

2008: Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

Don’t know this song. Don’t know this artist! This was the year I moved to Portland, so a lot was up in the air at the time. It’s alright.

2009: Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas

Ah, the Black Eyed Peas. I think this song kind of sucks. How did it get #1? Was it Fergie? I think Fergie is better than Black Eyed Peas, but I also think will.i.am is better than the Black Eyed Peas. And then there’s this other guy. Who’s the other guy? Where did he go? And a fourth guy too?! Half of the Black Eyed Peas just fell off the face of the Earth. Seriously, I don’t know why this group got as popular as it did. Moving on!

2010: OMG – Usher feat. will.i.am

Never heard this before! It’s okay. I feel like the later 2000s had some not great #1 hits. Probably streaming’s fault, taking away all those CD sales! will.i.am is kind of mediocre. Again, not sure why this got to #1. The popularity of Usher in general, I assume.

2011: E.T. – Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

Katy Perry is one of those artists that I just never listened to. But I actually remember this song barely because it’s a somewhat popular TikTok audio, I think? I have very little opinion of Katy3 but I think this is a pretty neat song. Makes me rethink my opinions on Mrs. Bloom! Kanye is fine, this was back when he took his meds so I’m not cringing.

2012: Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye & Kimbra

A one hit wonder?! In this day and age? A pretty good song, Kimbra is like 10x more interesting though, you should check her stuff out. Just fascinating that this guy showed up, released a hit song, and then disappeared. It’s not even like he tried for another hit, as far as I know. He was just like “check this out” and then poof, gone. Maybe he killed a guy or something, I dunno.

2013: Can’t Hold Us – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton

Not gonna watch this whole video. I remember the song but I generally dislike Macklemore. Is this the song where he was like “I love gay people”? Meh, bleh. Not my cup of tea. The song, not gay people! I love gay people. I don’t like the song. I feel kinda bad because “Thrift Shop” was such a hit and then the rest of his stuff was just kind of meh.

2014: All of Me – John Legend

John Legend is one of those artists where I can tell he’s a good artist and is talented but I just don’t like his music. Like, this sounds good and I can tell that people would like it enough for it to get to #1, but to me it’s just kind of a bleh ballad thing. That’s it. That’s my opinion. I’m a boring guy who has more sentimentality over material goods than I do people. Would I write a love song to a grilled cheese sandwich? Totally. But my wife? Just feels like a chore, honestly.4

2015: See You Again – Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth

I had no idea who Charlie Puth was until I got TikTok. Now I know he’s the guy who has perfect pitch. He’s alright. In this video he kinda looks like Andy Samberg. The song’s alright. Fast and the Furious, though … that shit’s gold. It’s all about family. RIP Paul Walker.

2016: Panda – Desiigner

Never heard this song, but it also sounds familiar so maybe I have heard it? Guy says “panda” a lot, hence the name of the song. Is this mumblecore? I don’t know rap styles anymore except drill, and that’s because of Pete and Bas. Is this drill? It’s not terrible. I can see how the kids could like this. Me though, gimme that “Hypnotize,” gimme Skee Lo’s “I Wish.” I guess I’m stuck in that rap sound.

2017: That’s What I Like – Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars is super popular and I know none of his songs except the 24k Magic song. I’ve never heard this song. He definitely apes older styles of music, I think that’s what helps him be so popular. It’s not a bad song! But there’s something about that just doesn’t make it for me. I think maybe it’s because there are songs that already basically sound like this? Like, maybe Gen Z likes this sound because it’s new to them, but Millennials and Gen X have already heard this sound. Oh well, to each their own. Not a bad song!

2018: Nice for What – Drake

I generally dislike Drake as a person and am not a huge fan of his music. The end.

2019: Old Town Road (remix) – Lil Nas X & Billy Ray Cyrus

I’ll be honest: I think this song kind of sucks. BUT. I think Lil Nas X is awesome. And the video is great. Conflicted! I know I’m not alone in that opinion, but I think Nas is getting better with each subsequent release. He’s like the Rebecca Black of Black people. Is that racist? Also fuck it, I like Billy Ray Cyrus. Fuck it all. He’s great in this video. FUCK IT I love you Billy Ray Cyrus, you went through shit in the 90s, your daughter is all over the place. You deserve this win.

2020: Say So – Doja Cat

Doja is one of my favorite social media personalities. She is weird and fun. Her music’s alright too! Not something I’d pick to listen to but I like it when I hear it. This song’s pretty good and is stuck in my head because of TikTok. I can tell though that I am getting older because I can feel how divergent the #1 hits are from what I’m actually listening to.

2021: Save Your Tears (remix) – The Weeknd & Ariana Grande

I liked that Weeknd album that was produced by Daft Punk, but then I listened to it years later and decided that I didn’t like 80% of it. Overall not a fan of this guy’s music. I also have never really listened to Ariana Grande that much either. I’m diverging, you guys! The Popular Music just Ain’t for Me Anymore.

2022: Wait for U – Future feat. Drake & Tems

I’m glad I’m ending this with 2022 because who the fuck are are any of these people. Look, you kids can have it. I’m aware that around 30 I just dropped away from popular music. It’s okay. That’s how these things work. This Future guy seems cool, I’d hang out with him. Without Drake, of course. No opinion on Tems.

it’s rated 7.86/10 on the spooky scale (adjusted for inflation)

Oh Fuck He’s Back at It Again

Hi everyone. I received a nice text from my friend Aaron the other night, insisting that I continue the Belville Baguette. While it’s very difficult to determine a person’s state of mind through texts, I could tell he was anguished. Despairing. Practically beside himself with grief. No doubt he was checking his email night and day, waiting for that crumb of mediocrity known as my newsletter. Well Aaron, today’s your lucky day.

Is That A Skeleton in Your Pocket or Are You Just Horny?

It’s October. Spooky season. Ghosts are running around, without pants. Zombies are contractually obligated to do the Thriller dance. An old woman buying a broom at Walmart is accused of being a witch. As the temperatures begin to fall and the leaves begin to … fall [note: revise this before posting], one thing is on everyone’s mind: Tom Brady and Gisele are getting divorced, probably.

For those of you who don’t know, Tom Brady is an American football player who has won a lot of Super Bowls, likely because he deflated a bunch of footballs, giving him an advantage in throwing them1. Gisele Bundchen2 is a Brazilian supermodel who has won no Super Bowls, but has inflated many a man’s penis when they look at her. What I’m saying is that she’s attractive. Nobody knows why they are getting a divorce but I think this may be why:

As you can see, Tom Brady looks like he and Aaron Rodgers both did ayuhuasca, but Brady’s trip went way, way worse. His hair is parted down the middle — the middle! — he’s wearing a hoodie representing how he feels about his marriage, and, perhaps worst of all, he plays for the Buccaneers now. Seriously, the guy looks like he saw a ghost. He looks like he had dinner with Alex Jones and “learned a lot of interesting things.” He looks like if John Cena were imprisoned in a gulag for 40 years.

I’m all for this new era of women not taking their man’s shit anymore. Though I don’t think Tom cheated on Gisele or anything. This guy wouldn’t cheat on his unsalted chicken breast and carefully measured cup of blanched white rice, people. Tom Brady glances at a slice of cheesecake and calls his priest for confession. All Tom Brady knows is football. He is the MK Ultra of football. If you find him at a grocery store, just say “dishwasher thirteen double sweater yurt” and he will perfectly toss a ham into the open arms of the farthest employee.

Anyway, I wish them the best. And Gisele, if you’re reading this … hmu girl. Do you like country style buffets? Because we could totally split the check at Golden Corral. You ever feel like pouring nacho cheese on a slice of pizza? Me too.

Me, too.

I Have a Giant TV Now

Me want Big TV. Me get Best Buy credit card so me can buy Big TV3. Me buy Big TV. Big TV almost not fit in car! Is so big! Me and Best Buy employee laugh. Me drive home with Big TV. Haul Big TV up four flights of stairs — BY SELF. Big TV heavy! Rethink Big TV. Put Big TV up on coffee table so is not on ground. Turn on Big TV. Watch For All Mankind on Big TV. Watch Prehistoric Planet on Big TV. Watch movies on Big TV! Big TV in 4k, Big TV in HDR.

Me … like Big TV.

Crusader Kings III is My New Obsession

Have you ever wanted to play a game where you can marry your sister and it actually enhances your political standing? Then do I have the game for you!

Recently I decided to get Game Pass. For those of you who have lives, Game Pass is a Microsoft service where you pay $10/month and get to play some video games for free. The games rotate out; I don’t know which or when or how that works. I got Game Pass free for three months after buying components for my new PC, and it was cool to just be able to download stuff without considering price. I’ve been a Steam whore for well over a decade and have purchased enough video games to ensure that I will never truly find love, but recently Epic Games released their own game store and they give away some games for free every week (no strings attached) so I’ve been doing that, and it was only a matter of time before Microsoft got their grubby paws on me.

Crusader Kings III I’ve been wanting to play for some time. It is a game where you play a ruler of some plot of land in the medieval world and the goal is just to keep your dynasty from dying out. Along the way you can plan schemes against other rulers, marry to increase your alliances, and murder people who are getting in the way. It looks like this (minus the blow out because of my HDR monitor):

It fucking rules. The story of my dynasty’s fall and then rise to greatness for the past 300 years or so is epic. Early on I had a ruler, Frantisek, who just murdered the fuck out of everyone around him, because he only held one piece of tiny land and didn’t want anyone to take it from him, but was too weak to launch any wars. Later on I started grabbing bits of land before I was eventually able to retake my original duchy and then, on this very stream, take enough land to formally turn my duchies into a full blown kingdom. Amazing stuff.

I plan on streaming more of this game on Saturday afternoons or mornings or just at some point on Saturday, so if you’re interested in seeing how the KINGDOM OF VELETIA ends up, follow me on Twitch!

Take Your Vitamins

I had started a post here for my birthday where I talked about my general mental health at the time but I stopped because it was kind of depressing. I wasn’t depressed at the time of writing it, but I was like, “Eh, maybe this isn’t the right tone for ye olde newsletter.” So instead I’ll talk a bit about some positive stuff.

Taking Vitamins Made Me Feel Better

Yes that’s right. I think a lot of my brain fog and depressiveness during and before the pandemic were because I literally wasn’t getting enough nutrition in the food that I was eating. That’s on me, folks. I started taking Vitamin D and a multivitamin after an eye-opening moment at work: my boss took me and some others to Fogo de Chao for a coworker’s goodbye party and I ate a ton of meat on sticks there. When we left, I felt awesome. I felt better than I had felt in months, years even. I chalked it up to getting nutrients in meat that I hadn’t been getting otherwise; namely, B12 and iron. So I though, “What other vitamins am I missing out on?” Long story short, BAM, MULTIVITAMINS. Really did make me feel better. I also take fish oil and a fiber supplement for good poops. Am I better than you now? Yes, of course, please keep away from me.

Seriously though, if you’re feeling crummy, it might literally be your diet. Your gastrointestinal health is very important. Take a vitamin or eat some green food!

Walk, Don’t Run (But Also Run [If That’s Something You Like to Do])

In lieu of having a gym membership, I started walking. Here’s another stupid fucking thing about bodies: exercise is good. It sucks! But it’s good. Pandemic Josh has been incredibly lethargic and sedentary, and honestly I think it was the aforementioned vitamins that tweaked my gut and brain health enough to compel me to get up and go for walks. Moving to a walkable part of Portland helped, too. Walking is so good for you, folks. Get up and go for a walk!

But I am also starting to run again. Just a lil bit. Starting Couch to 5k again, bought some good running shoes. Taking it slow so I don’t give it up, which can be a problem for me.

Exercise and diet folks. That’s all it is. You want it to be something more but it’s not. Exercise and diet.

Internal Family Systems

My therapist and I have been talking a lot about the different parts of our mind and how they can overrule other parts. It’s called Internal Family System. If you’ve ever heard of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder), then Internal Family Systems will make some sense, thoush IFS is much, much more neurotypical. Everyone has different parts of their brain and sometimes certain parts come to your aid for whatever reason. Me, for example, I have a part of my brain that acts up whenever I feel particular modes of anxiety or stress. That part attempts to soothe me in a way that has worked in the past — eating junk food. This part takes control of me, bypassing my frontal lobe (or my rational brain) to make me do things like go to the corner store and buy junk food. It almost sounds like I’m making an excuse but it’s the opposite: I’m actually coming to terms with the part of me that makes bad decisions. “Bad” is relative here; to my Lizard Brain, junk food is the only choice that works. And that trigger may be something different for you — alcohol, gambling, being reclusive, etc — but changing my thinking about what is happening is incredibly helpful to changing the behavior itself. In other words, I’m not making “bad” decisions, I’m just making decisions that have helped me cope with negative stressors and anxiety. Comfort food makes me feel good, so I gravitate towards it. But exercise also makes me feel good! So it’s a matter of trying to rewire my brain so that I feel the reward in exercise as much, if not more, than I do in eating junk food.

It ends up really not being too difficult, because Rational Brain is aware of the after effects of binging junk food. Lizard Brain goes away when that happens. Like when you drink a lot and then swear off drinking the next morning due to the hangover. That’s your Rational Brain being rational and trying to protect you in the long term sense. Lizard Brain doesn’t care about long term, it only cares about lessening the stressor right now. Fight or Flight, so to speak. Rational Brain also knows that the immediacy of going for a run, for instance, is not great, but that the after effects are very good.

Junk food helped me out a lot when I was a kid, too, which makes it more difficult to renegotiate. This is primarily why DID exists, btw — incredibly traumatic stressors in some children cause their brain to “fracture” somewhat, creating specific personality types that appear depending on a variety of factors (mainly stress). These other personalities help the whole cope. Most people do this on a lesser scale, because we didn’t go through such stressful events and so the different parts of our brain merged in our development.

Anyway, it’s all fascinating stuff to me and really helps me gain a behavioral perspective on why I do the things that I do. Maybe it could help you too!

Suggestions

This is the part of the newsletter where I suggest things. This time it will be music because I’ve been listening to a lot of great music lately!

Annie – Dark Hearts

Annie is a Swedish indie pop artist who released an album in 2004 called Anniemal which I loved and played constantly. This newest album, released in 2020, slipped past my radar until recently, but it is also excellent. (Her 2009 album, Don’t Stop, is also very good.) Dark Hearts has a pseudo-80s vibe to it and just feels really cool to listen to.

The Beths – Expert in a Dying Field

The Beths are a New Zealand indie rock band and their latest album is so damn fun and good it’s just ridiculous. Their previous albums are also very good. I don’t have much more to say about it, they’re just a good band plus they’re from New Zealand so sometimes you hear Elizabeth’s accent come through in the songs and it’s very cute!

BLACKSTARKIDS – CYBERKISS*

BLACKSTARKIDS are an indie rap pop group, a welcome niche to be filled in. They rap about being depressed and stuff too, just really relatable. Their latest album is a “mixtape,” which means it’s free? I think? I don’t know how mixtapes work anymore. Anyway it’s fresh and fun to listen to. Highly recommended.

Self-Promotion

I don’t really have much to promote anymore. I am streaming again! But I already talked about that. I’m writing in my newsletter again! Oh, wait, that’s what this is …

You can find me on these social medias:

Twitter @joshbelville | Instagram @joshbelville | TikTok @jcbelville | Twitch @zornog

Because it’s October, on Twitch I’ll be streaming 7 Days to Die and Phasmophobia on the weekdays, and then Crusader Kings III on the weekend. Here’s my schedule:

Wednesdays – 6-9pm PST

Fridays – 6-9pm PST

Saturdays – Either 9-12pm or 1-3pm PST

Come hang out and join the Streaming Family™.

The End

Alright, that’s the end of this issue. I hope you enjoyed it. See you next time!

Such a stupid title, it just might work.

My first Bond film was Goldeneye, which came out in 1995. I was twelve years old and that scene of Xenia Onatopp nearly crushing Bond with her thighs awakened something in me I can only describe as A Fetish. Prior to Goldeneye, I had practically no concept of Bond films, aside from parodies like Austin Powers. I knew Sean Connery was in a lot of them, I knew Roger Moore was in moore of them1, I knew they wore suits and loved card games, but I didn’t really care about watching them, mainly because I was worried that they would be very, very, bad. This concept worsened as I got older and more aware of the misogyny and sexist antics of our favorite STD petri dish, which only pushed me away from watching the franchise.

Then the other day I was looking for stuff to watch on my new Big TV, especially things I could watch on my Amazon Prime account, which was set to expire on the 5th of July2. While flipping through the options (well, not flipping so much anymore … swiping?), I noticed it was trying to get me to watch the newer Bond films, the ones with Daniel Craig. And I thought, What was the last Daniel Craig Bond film I’ve seen? I couldn’t really answer that question. I remember Skyfall because of the song and because of Javier Bardem, but that was about it. I remember Casino Royale because of baccarat and the very dumb paddle they use to move cards around. (Also I think that’s the one where Bond has to defibrillate himself, which is absurd but whatever.) But the others, Quantum of Solace, No Time to Die, and By God’s Green Trousers I don’t think I’ve seen before.

As you can probably extrapolate by now, I decided to just watch them all from the very start of the franchise.

Dr. No is two films: the first half is a very fun spy thriller in which James Bond must sit on his boss’s secretary’s lap and present one of the most awkward scenes in the history of cinema. This is one point where the newer films get the Moneypenny/Bond flirting right. In No, it’s one scene and it’s out of nowhere and awkward. Anyway, Bond is trying to figure out who killed some operatives in Jamaica. Along the way he learns about Dr. No, or already knew about him before he left, I’m not sure.

I want to be clear at this point: I was watching this movie. This wasn’t on while I scrolled through my phone or made a lasagna. I did check my phone sometimes but it’s the 21st century baby, that’s what we do now. Regardless, despite sitting with my eyeballs staring at the screen, I still barely know what happened in this film.

Bond has some adventures in the first half and it’s fun and interesting. At one point he is chased by the guy who drives the black hearse and it’s a wild cut between Connery in front of a projection of a car chasing him, and shots of the actual chase. I know CGI wasn’t invented yet but couldn’t they have just given it a shot, you know? Then Bond drives underneath a crane from a construction vehicle on the roadway, and the hearse flies off the cliff and god damn explodes for no reason. Excellent. Also the fights in this film are funny as hell. Bond fighting the chauffer where he just like judo flips him in one second and it’s over is funny as hell. But I get it! It’s a film from the 60s, it’s not meant to be full of martial arts and parkour and the stuff you’d see in the more modern films.

I also enjoyed the surprisingly long shot of Bond applying a strand of his hair to a closet door to see if anyone has opened it later on. It’s like a 10 second shot of him grooming a hair onto the door. Imagine Michael Bay making that shot now. Sixteen cuts with extreme music and then the door explodes and Optimus Prime walks out.

The second half of Dr. No is a boring slog through some half-assed attempts at character intrigue and the kind of futuristic tech space shit that Bond films often deal with. During this film they keep talking about the Dragon, and my understanding is that people thought it was an actual, fire-breathing dragon, like a legend. But then in a later scene someone (Honey Ryder I think?) points at some tank treads in the ground and is like “That’s the Dragon” and Bond’s not like, “Oh wait the Dragon is a vehicle and not an actual dragon?” I guess they didn’t do this because it would make James Bond sound very stupid if he didn’t just see the context clue and make the connection that the Dragon was a vehicle and not an actual scary dragon. But I could’ve used it because I’m very stupid!

Then the Dragon shows up and it’s basically a big tank that breathes fire. It sees our heroes and approaches. Bond’s Great Idea is to shoot out the headlights of the Dragon, which probably wouldn’t be able to see them then except I guess Bond forgets that fire emits light. So they’re shooting the Dragon, lots of “PYEOW!” ricochet sounds. Then the fucking, god damn Dragon, which has been driving at 5 MPH for the entire scene, immolates Quarrel, who has been sitting there shooting at it and not, I don’t know, running away like a normal person would do. The steamroller scene in Austin Powers makes so much more sense to me now. See, I always thought that scene was a homage to a general concept of these types of classic films and not a parody of an actual scene in a Bond film. What can I say, I was 13 when the first Austin Powers came out.

Also at one point Ursula Andress just walks out of the water like Aphrodite, and she’s obsessed with shells. She’s gotta get them shells. This shell? She could get $50 for it in Miami.3 I don’t know who’s buying shells for that kind of money but sign me up. But then they run off because some guys on a boat are looking for them, and this woman just leaves two shells on the ground! Girl! Those shells are valuable! Think about how much they would get in Miami!

So who is Honey Ryder? No one, as far as I can tell she’s just some damn woman who got caught up in this mess. In more modern Bond films she would be important, she would be a double spy or something. She would be spying for the Canadians. But she slipped past Dr. No’s radar because she has a tiny boat. Honey Radar, more like!

Anyway the Dragon fucking burns a man alive who could’ve just walked casually away, and then Bond and Ryder get caught and it turns out they were wandering around in a radioactive sludge or something so they have to get decontaminated, which is where the “long pee” scene in Austin Powers comes from. I’m learning as I’m watching, people. The rest of the movie I’m fuzzy on. Dr. No has no hands. Dr. No Hands they should’ve called him. He’s got radioactive stuff going on in a pool that’s just an open pool with no walls to contain it in case it explodes or anything. Great. I guess Chernobyl was 23 years in the future. There’s a rocket launch that is connected to this whole thing but also not? I really don’t know. I could look it up but it wouldn’t be as fun.

Bond and Ryder get put into prison rooms that look like hotel rooms and then they drink coffee, which is laced with something that knocks them unconscious. Uh, why? You’re already in the guy’s secret lair. They eat food with Dr. No who explains that he is in SPECTRE, which is a big Bond thing. I know SPECTRE comes up a lot. Then after dinner Bond gets put into an actual prison cell. I can’t remember why. Bond breaks through his cell by lightly kicking a large, flimsy grate, allowing him access to tubes. At one point water threatens to wash him away, but it’s like a couple gallons that wash over him, so it’s fine. The worst part is that the pipe is hot so he’s gotta wrap his hands up. I guess a thin bit of linen is enough?

Bond breaks into the central chamber by kicking another flimsy grate. This is where the radioactive thing is happening. Dr. No mistakes him for another guy because he’s wearing a radiation suit and tells him to go do his job, so Bond goes to the panel of controls right above the radioactive pool (OSHA would have an aneurysm at this place) and turns up the temperature? The radioactivity? I’m not sure what he turns up, but he turns it up to Dangerous Levels™ and the water starts boiling. The rocket launch happens; I’m not sure if it was supposed to launch or not launch, but it launched! As everyone evacuates the secret lair, Dr. No and Bond fight and No ends up slipping into the water because his prosthetic hands can’t grasp the cage and he dies.

Now a few scenes prior to this, when they’re at dinner, Dr. No shows off his menacing side by crushing a metal statue in one of his hands. So we’ve been shown that his fake hands can close, and close very tightly. But apparently not now, when he desperately needs them to.

Anyway Bond and Ryder find a boat and escape as the whole thing explodes. They fuck in the boat. The end.

Again, I’m not sure what was going on in the entire second half of the movie.

I’m going to give Dr. No a 2.5/5 stars. I’ll rank them as I watch them too. I would add the films I’ve already seen but I don’t think I’ve watched Goldeneye and the other Brosnan films since they were released, and I barely remember the Daniel Craig films, so: fresh start. Clean slate. Can’t lose. So here we go, the first official Definitive Belville Bond Film Ranking:

DEFINITIVE BELVILLE BOND FILM RANKING

Dr. No – 2.5/5

See you next time, unless I forget to write another post. This was sort of spontaneous.

the secret to the holidays

You’re still here? God I love to see it. Thank you for reading and have a happy holiday season!

Self-Promotion Roundup

I KNOW EVERYONE LOVES SELF-PROMOTION RIGHT?

First and foremost, my YouTube channel is now an Official Artist Channel.

Which is funny because I only have 33 subscribers. But all of my music is up on my channel and not other channels masquerading as me, which is awesome. If you’re on YouTube please subscribe to my channel if you haven’t already! It’s easy and I honestly don’t post very often (and am not planning on uploading Twitch streams like I used to, only clips on occasion!). I like to make content when I feel like it, not all the friggin time, taking up your precious mental bandwidth.

The Aberrant Ziggurat is up and running. This week’s episode is about the amount of Bradys necessary to make a Very Brady Christmas—an incredibly Scientific and Important thing to discuss. I told you, each episode is its own thing. Don’t expect cohesion. If you want to submit prompts, you can on my website! Please submit something. Anything! Doesn’t have to be an “idea,” could just be a word.

Streaming is still happening. This month we’re diving into Sam & Max: Save the World and The Outer Wilds, along with 7 Days to Die with Twitch integration enabled, allowing you to spawn zombies to attack me. If any of that sounds interesting to you, head to my Twitch channel! Oh also I MADE $100 as an affiliate! It took me for-fucking-EVER. Thanks to my subscribers (aka my friends) for making that happen! I’m only about $4,900/month away from streaming being a viable work replacement!

Speaking of my website, I have updated it! I learned some new CSS tricks! They mostly work. I tried making it scale to mobile … which kind of works. It’s arguably the greatest change to my site ever and was easier than I thought it would be, but for some reason it doesn’t work on Chrome mobile for reasons I can’t fathom yet. It works on other website apps though, so who knows. I do plan on adding poetry and the old sprite comics I used to make, as well as lore and worldbuilding to the D&D worlds I’ve made over the years. A fun project. My website is my “building a ship in a bottle.” I put all the stuff I’ve made over the years there, just because. If you like it, good! If you don’t, well, that’s cool too bro.

Health(care) Update

I’ve been complaining about my colonoscopy bill for ages now. About $3,500 (after insurance) for me to pay after they snipped out two polyps out of the Big Boy (which is what I call my colon). After having an existential crisis about trying to budget paying off $3,500, I decided to apply for financial assistance to see if I could get some of it taken off. I read through the requirements and assumed that, if I even qualified at all, it would be for, at most, 25% off my bill. Which would be great!

It took a couple of months for my claim to process, and yesterday I got this letter in the mail:

You’re reading that right: they waived my ENTIRE THING. I was both Aghast and Agog when I read this. I still am! I thought I made too much money. I don’t make a ton of money but I literally got a raise right before submitting this claim. But they waived the whole thing! It’s a Christmas Miracle!

This is especially good because on the 22nd I am starting genetic counseling to see if I have the Lynch syndrome gene, and if I do it’ll probably be the beginning of a bunch more medical bills. So it’s nice to know that I might be able to get financial assistance for that as well.

The moral of this story though it JUST DO THE THING. Apply for the job, audition, shoot your shot with that person you like, just go for it. I didn’t even think the financial assistance would help at all but it helped ENTIRELY. So who knows, maybe you think you’re not qualified for your dream job, but you totally are! Maybe you’ll get that raise if you just ask for it. Follow your dreams. Pursue your heart. Take aim at the moon. Why are you shooting at the moon though? I don’t understand that one. Please don’t shoot at the moon.

Burrito Time

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know I like to tweet whenever I make burritos. It’s probably super annoying but I don’t care. Lately I’ve been trying to make a good taco seasoning, now that I have a bunch of spices. Turns out I was just not putting enough seasoning in, because I made some yesterday (12/14) and I fuckin NAILED IT.

I used this recipe from McCormick for the base and that’s when I realized I hadn’t been using enough spices at ALL. Five teaspoons of paprika?! I was definitely not using that much. So I added all the stuff and then I added about 1 tsp of Tajin as well because it has a lime flavor that I thought would work well. (If you decide to make this seasoning yourself I would only use 1 tsp of salt if you’re going to add the Tajin.)

I don’t know why I’m so proud of putting spices together. It probably stems from me being such a picky eater as a kid; now that I’m an adult I really love flavorful foods like Mexican and Indian and so being able to make dishes like that is really exciting to me.

If you’re REALLY interested (and you should be if you’re reading my goddamned newsletter), my burrito was made with the following:

• flour tortillas

• 4 cheese mexican blend

• seasoned rice (basically with the mccormick seasoning listed above, just a lot less)

• bell peppers

• onion (red onion this time)

• black beans (I like to get the canned seasoned black beans)

• canned corn (no salt added)

• ground beef with the very good taco seasoning

• sour cream

• green salsa

• chipotle Tabasco sauce

• crushed up blue corn chips

The trick is to add the cheese on the top of the tortilla before you heat it up. Gets the cheese all melty. Next time I do this I will definitely add guacamole, I was going to buy some at the store but it’s expensive as all get out. So I got the green salsa instead which wasn’t the same at all but was still pretty good, if very hot.

Moral of the story is buy spices. Spices are life. Just like that Dune thingy. You know the one I’m talking about. With the big worms? Yeah. That one.

YouTube Time

I found a newsletter I wrote back in 2020 where I discussed YouTubers I liked and it was basically the same people I talk about now, which is embarrassing because I keep forgetting what I’ve said and where I’ve said it. Anyway, here’s some vids.

Can’t believe Matt has 100 of these dang videos out!

So I was making grilled cheese the other day and I had some parmesan that I really wanted to get rid of so I attempted to do the above thing, except with parmesan on the outside instead of cheddar. It failed, miserably. I’ve never been able to do this right and I think it’s because I don’t use enough butter. I basically ripped my sandwich apart on the skillet which was a nightmare to deal with. (Sandwich was still pretty good though.)

This video reminds me of VH1. That is all. I used to watch Insomniac Music Theater because I had insomnia as a teenager and this song was on CONSTANTLY. I hated it at the time but it is actually very good! I was a dumb teenager!

Technology Connections is such a great channel, and was the reason why I got my dishwasher fixed, because he has a great video about dishwashers. He likes to talk about reasonably mundane technological stuff, but does so in a charming and fun way. I’m one of those guys who loves “boring” stuff like that. Maybe you are too?

Civvie11 plays old games. That’s about it! I like his channel though.

SEE YOU IN 2022!

Hope your holidays are happy and that you aren’t, like, set on fire or anything. Jesus that would suck. Please stay away from open flames, okay? Thanks.

I didn’t eat turkey this year but I did embody the spirit of eating turkey, which is effectively the same thing.

Thanks for reading my newsletter! It’s just a place to get people caught up on my life or to espouse weird things that pop up in my head. I’m active on Twitter if you want to read more from me, or you can check out my Linktree for a more robust set of links to check out.

[Insert Counting Crows Lyric here]

*golf clap* Well done, well done everyone. We did it. We’ve reached the final of 2021. And all it took was for every cell in our body to replicate hundreds of thousands of times. I think. It’s been a while since I’ve taken biology. Regardless, we’re still here, the world is still spinning, and we’re still corkscrewing through the Milky Way galaxy, on an eventual collision with the Andromeda galaxy in about 4.5 billion years. Will we be alive when that happens? Statistically, no. Logistically? No. But we’re not dead yet so there’s still a chance.

Thanksgiving Roundup

My Thanksgiving was fine. I ended up not being able to drive home to see the family, which in turn left me not really doing much in general on the big day, except eat an entire pumpkin pie. A pie which I bought at Market of Choice and found out later was $19! Nineteen bucks! For a pumpkin pie! It was pretty good but I don’t know if any pumpkin pie is $19 good. Oh well, I was in a rush.

I did Skype with my family back in Idaho which was nice, and I very, very much enjoyed having a four day weekend. Everything is different now in these Unprecedented Times™, and I’ve been using Roll20 and Discord chat, etc, so much that digital meetings feel normal. In hindsight though that seems kind of sad. But better than nothing, I guess. At least I don’t have to send handwritten letters like those guys in the Civil War documentaries.

Let me know how your Thanksgiving was! I hope it was peaceful and good and that you ate all the food that you wanted and as much of it as you wanted and maybe you laid down on the couch or a cozy armchair with your belt unbuckled and the top button of your jeans undone, maybe taking a nap so deep that you wake up and there’s drool everywhere.

Christmas Album

Every year after Thanksgiving I briefly hype up the Christmas album I made back in 2007, Get Behind Me, Santa!. This year is no different.

Fifteen tracks of Christmas songs lovingly/stupidly interpreted by yours truly. I recorded it as a Christmas gift to friends and family at the time because I was broke. It was also a good excuse to record a couple of just really great Christmas songs, including “O Holy Night” which is such a great song in general. It’s FREE to download on Bandcamp only, it’s not on Spotify or anything because there’s a bunch of covers and I don’t want to have to deal with that nonsense. Download it today and impress your family with some weird random dude’s album!

Hacked Email

So, fun story: I’ve decided to do a complete 180 and actually remake all the “zornog” social medias I used to have, for streaming/YouTube purposes. Not an interesting reason why, other than “zornog” is a more intriguing thing to look at (and potentially click on) than my name. New people don’t know who I am, but they can enjoy my online shenanigans as zornog. That’s not the fun story. The fun story is coming I promise. Please don’t close this newsletter and move on with your day yet, I implore you.

Anyway, this means getting back into my old zornog@gmail.com email account, which I think I made around 2014 and abandoned shortly thereafter, to associate it with a new Twitter/Insta/etc. I reset my password and log in … and there are several emails in there from some woman named Nicole in 2019 to a guy named Richard Miller, including an email with photos of Richard along with their child.

The photos email is followed by another short email that is basically about them breaking up, or the aftermath of them breaking up at least. “I am ready to wrap this up. I have finally accept. [sic]” she writes.

(The majority of the emails, by the way, are her using Google Maps to ask him to show her where he is on Google Maps, so maybe he was a dirty cheater.)

Prior to these emails there’s a “new login from Instagram” email which is from Ukraine in Feb 2019, so I assumed this guy is from Ukraine and his girlfriend/wife? just decided to use poor English for her email. Except he’s not from Ukraine because one of his photos with her indicates that they’re in Tulsa. So either I got hacked twice, or this guy is using a VPN for his own shenanigans.

Then LATER there is a 5/2020 email from a Tami about a home selling thing? She addresses it to a Nathan. That’s all that is, but it’s weird how random it is.
Then after THAT there’s a 9/2020 email from a Nikki, who ends up being Nicole! She’s back, and one of her pictures is a little saucy! So I guess her and Richard are doing well as of 9/2020.

I looked up Nicole’s full name on Google and, well … she’s been through some rough times. https://www.newson6.com/story/5e6279205d575f9d06d2c254/catoosa-police-arrest-woman-accused-of-abandoning-18monthold-at-casino. This happened before the 9/2020 email so hopefully she cleaned herself up.

So that was the history of an old email address for the past two years. Hacked! Maybe more than once! I guess it’s truly not a “fun story” but I thought it was neat to spend a fragment of time checking out someone else’s life on accident.

Bad Erotica

In 2014 I wrote a few tweets with the hashtag #baderotica. People liked them enough that I started a Twitter account. I posted about a dozen entries before abandoning it. Then, just a week or so ago, went back to that account to strip it so I could use it for my Twitch handle, zornog, as I explained a bit in the last segment.

In honor of the old account, here are the tweets I posted, as well as a couple from my main Twitter account. Please understand that these are dirty tweets. You were warned, Mom.

His dick was like a wicker chair: uncomfortable, but she still sat on it.

As he tossed her salad, she thought, “I should eat more salad.”

“Take me!” she screamed seductively. “Take me right in my Brown Town Chow Down!”
“What the fuck–??” he said.
“MY ASSHOLE!” she yelled.

As he slowly slid his rigid member into her soft, wet love cavern, she let out a whisper of smelly ecstasy from her butthole.

She asked him what his name was.
“Thomas,” he said.
“Not tonight,” she growled sexily. “Tonight your name is Fartdonger Asspants.”

“Bunnicula is my favorite book of all time,” he said as came inside her butt.

As he slowly slid his dangle deep inside her whoa nelly, she began to hum her appreciation, to the tune of “Little Spanish Flea”.

“I think we should fuck,” she said. He said, “I don’t know what that means,” he said. She showed him diagrams. He still didn’t get it.

She took him all in her mouth, including, somehow, his housekeys.

She wrapped her legs around him, slamming her hooha onto his weenee. He growled and shouted to the world, “THIS KIND OF HURTS MY BALLLLLS!”

She took her socks off, revealing tiny vaginas between her toes. “I’m not like the others,” she said. He smiled. His teeth were tiny dicks.

YouTube Roundup

This is in response to a meme people were doing on Instagram where they would screenshot their name’s definition on Urban Dictionary. I just thought it was funny how nice mine was, except for that weird part at the end.

Plastic Love is a song by Mariya Takeuchi, from her 1984 album VARIETY. The song became popular recently due to the resurgence of “city pop,” a Japanese genre of music from the 70s/80s that sounds, well, like Plastic Love. So Warner Bros Japan went and made a gat-damned music video for it, nearly 40 years later. How cool is that?!

Here’s a nearly 8 minute version that I’ve listened to maybe 5,000 times.

I don’t know why but this popped up on my feed and it is a very interesting and relaxing look at someone just making a video game from scratch!

If you’re not subscribed to Tasting History you should be. It’s a very good series. Max makes old recipes and shares some history, and then tastes the food. It’s simple, it’s not flashy, Max is charming, just go watch and subscribe okay?

Until Next Time

That’s it for this newsletter, I hope you enjoyed yourself. The holiday season can be rough for some people so just remember to take care of yourself and remember that you are appreciated and deserve to be here, no matter what you or anyone else says. See you soon!

I have no butt and I must fart

Hi, welcome to my newsletter! I try to publish these twice a month, once at the beginning of the month and once in the middle. I hope you enjoy reading my very random thoughts!

Jesus Godfrey Daniels, It’s Almost 2022

Are you seeing this shit?

Have you looked a calendar recently?

It’s NOVEMBER, people. November 2021! Not only did we experience 2015, which is when Marty McFly traveled to to save his children in the hit film Back to the Future Part II, but we’ve surpassed that! I don’t know why but for some reason, growing up, 2015 felt like the end. Can’t go beyond that. Back to the Future Pt II was the end of the line.

Can you even remember what happened since March of 2020? I can’t. I’ve been holed up in my apartment. (Well, two apartments now.) I’ve fed my cat a lot. I panic shop at the grocery store. I see friends but digitally. I got a colonoscopy—okay I remember that pretty well, except the actual event (thanks anesthesia). It’s mostly a blur. Lots of monotony that my brain has weeded out and flushed down the drain. My brain is probably a pile of mush right now, just sloshing around in my skull as a dozen neurons hold on for dear life. “He saw a cat on his walk!” one of them shrieks, waking up the others. “Get it in long term storage! Now!”

I hope your 2021 has been going well, despite these Unprecedented Times. I feel like they’re Precedented at this point, right? Make sure you get vaccinated and get that booster shot if you can!

The Aberrant Ziggurat!

In 2015 I made a podcast of short stories written using anonymous prompts from listeners. I posted them for free on Tumblr using the “Audio” post; since the limit was 10mb, I made sure my episodes were no larger than 10mb. I called it the Aberrant Ziggurat and I made 14 episodes and one bonus episode. Then I got rid of Tumblr for some reason and the episodes were lost in the Disney Vault.1

Fast forward to about a month ago. I found myself listening to the old episodes on my computer and I enjoyed them! They’re funny and quirky and interesting and I am proud of 2015 me for making them. The sound quality isn’t the best but I was trying to compress some of them so they would fit on Tumblr. Oh well.

Anyway, I am re-releasing them as a podcast (wherever you get your podcast) and on my personal YouTube channel, starting December 6th and on every Monday thereafter. YouTube episodes will be released on Wednesdays. You can listen to the teaser trailer here:

Once these episodes are all out, I will begin Season 2 in May! Want to help? Submit your (anonymous) prompts here: https://forms.gle/6ytt21PcEJwQk9yj8

I’d really love it if you had a listen and if you like it, please share it with friends!

Satisfactory

I’ve been playing a game called Satisfactory a lot. A LOT. The basic gist is that you build a factory, but there is also an element of exploration and you can build trains and stuff. Here’s what my factory looks like right now:

Yeah doesn’t this look like fun?

Really, Satisfactory is like a Zen garden for nerds. You get this big space and you can use it to build things that help you build other things. It is definitely my new chill out game, the type you play when you just want to zone out and not worry for a few hours. I highly recommend it. It’s in Early Access on Steam but it might as well be done. It’s done enough to be enjoyable. There are some quirks and annoyances but overall it’s just a really fantastic game. Go get it!

My Bathroom Has A Motion Sensor Fan

My new apartment’s bathroom has a motion sensor fan. This sounds pretty great, right? In reality it’s not and makes no sense, but I do like the concept of frantically waving your arms around to get the fan to suck up your shit stink. It reminds me of motion sensor lights in bathrooms and how you always end up in the dark while you’re pooping.

So you walk in and the fan starts going. You take a shower and the fan is going. You sit down to poop and the fan is going. You actually poop and … the fan stops. Because you’re not moving, unless, again, you are waving your arms like the inflatable tube man. Or, I dunno, maybe you move a lot when you take a shit. I don’t. I reenact the Thinker pose—or as I call it, the Stinker—during my entire time on the toilet. So while I am actually making the donuts, as the kids say, the fan is not moving, not pulling up any stink. Then I flush and the fan goes again, but it ends a few seconds after I leave, because, again, it’s not sensing motion. So the stink just … sits there, like in a bathroom in the pre-ceiling fan days (roughly the late 1800s).

More importantly, it stops creating circulating air after a shower, which means there’s nothing to help prevent mold growth. (BTW, you should leave your fan on [or your door open if you don’t have a fan] after you shower for a few minutes to dry out the room and help prevent mold growth.) I really don’t have a point to this segment, it’s just weird. Just let me turn the damn thing off and on myself!

I Made A Food

As many of you know, I really enjoy occasionally making a meal that is, for almost everyone else, the easiest thing in the world, but for me is like inventing calculus. Making meals for me is usually out of necessity; in this case it was because some dubious bank shenanigans left me with a piddling amount of money until payday. “Necessity is the mother of invention,” Albert Einstein once said, and so I delved into my cupboards and fridge, seeking something that would become my food that wasn’t popcorn.2

I had a Plan. See, during my last grocery excursion I had purchased some Grounded Beef, some of which I kept in the freezer like a smart boy. I also had a whole jar of pasta sauce (flavored with meat, but more like flavored with sugar. This shit was sweet. Not terrible, but too sweet), but no pasta. So I thought, “Oh I’ll just cook the ground beef in the pasta sauce and then eat that.” Now I know what you’re thinking: eating ground beef in pasta sauce on its own sounds exactly like what a 38-year-old bachelor would eat. In my mind’s eye, I had imagined adding rice to it, because I was out of pasta, but in all honesty I probably would’ve eaten it without, because I am a 38-year-old bachelor.

Side tangent: I have spices now, so I am slightly more advanced than your average 38-year-old bachelor. I’ve put an egg in Maruchan ramen. I’m hip, I’m capable.

Anyway, prior to my pasta sauce surprise, I had made a staple of my short list of Meals I Make, a pièce de résistance I like to call “Beans Rice & Corn.” Now listen. I am an adult, and I get to do whatever I want, okay? But I will admit that in the past, I would make this with just salt and butter. So imagine rice, black beans, and corn, with some butter and salt. Sounds boring, right? Yeah! It was boring! But I’m kind of a boring guy!

But this last time I made it? Spices. Okay? Spices. We got some onion powder, we got some garlic powder, we got some paprika and chili powder. Black pepper and uh, other stuff that I can’t remember right now. I took this meal up to an 11. Okay, a 7. (It actually was pretty good.)

So I had leftovers, right? And then the next day I’m browning my beef3 and then simmering my sauce in the beef and it smells great, it’s smells lovely, and I realize, Hey. You should put the BR&C in there. Do it. Do it you magnificent son of a bitch.

So I did, and I made a … chili? Beans, rice, tomato sauce, beef … it’s a chili, right? I made a cheap-ass chili. This entire segment of the newsletter is how I made a cheap-ass chili. Why did I write this? I should delete it but I’m not going to, because I need content. I need to have something for you to read. I need you to acknowledge me.

It was very good.

YouTube Videooooss

An online newsletter wouldn’t be an online newsletter unless I shared some YouTube videos that I’ve enjoyed recently. These are mostly Halloween-related!

Check Me Out

Hey here’s my social medias. Yeah I know “media” is already plural, go shove it up your aaaaaaaaasssss.

For me: https://linktr.ee/jcbelville

For my streaming: https://linktr.ee/zornog

Okay That’s All

Hey thanks for reading my rambles. One of these days I’ll go outside or something, I don’t know, and I’ll have more to talk about then. See you next time!

All Hail Bagel Mode

Welcome to the Belville Baguette

Hello and welcome to the latest iteration of my newsletter. I tried this once before and then I got Discouraged and deleted it. I deleted a lot of things that I considered the “hanging chads” of my internet life, like my Soundcloud, for instance, before realizing that I actually like having these things around, and that the actual issue is that sometimes I get depressed and feel like none of this is worth it. Then later on I feel better and I look back and think, “Why did I delete my Soundcloud?! Silly man.”

Anyway, welcome. I hope you stick around. This newsletter is to update you about my life, offer any insights I happen to have on, say, toasters (more on this later), talk about Dungeons & Dragons, or movies, or my cat Jowers. I hope at least one thing will be of interest to you. Think of it like a zine, but attached to a large corporate entity known as Substack! Hooray!

My plan is to update whenever I feel like. Hopefully once a month, maybe more, maybe less? But I promise I won’t delete the whole damn thing Substack has a podcast option now too, so maybe I’ll do that? Question mark?

Oh and in case you aren’t familiar with my style: this newsletter is NSFW. I promise not to post any dongs or anything, but … well you’ll read on and see what I mean.

It’s Halloween, Dudes

Before we really begin, let’s reflect on the fact that it’s Halloween. It’s Halloween! The ghosts and ghouls have risen from their graves and are dancing and twirling about. Dracula pops a fang into a blood-flavored Capri-Sun. A mummy leaves the restroom with a square of toilet paper stuck in their wrappings, but no one notices. A werewolf is … just a person because it’s not a full moon, god, it’s never a full moon! Whennnn will it be a full moon again I just wanna be a werewooolfff come on mannn.

I dressed up for my Twitch stream last night: I was a Beholder? I don’t even remember what the original name of the costume was; I think it literally just said “Monster.” I bought it for $10 at Target. It’s clearly made for a woman. It said “One size fits most” on top, which for me immediately means it won’t fit me. But it fit well enough. They also had a “lion mask” option which was a whole like cowl situation but I didn’t buy it because I assumed it wouldn’t fit my head.

Tonight the plan is to watch the first two Halloween movies. If you’ve been following me on Twitter, you’ll know that I’ve been watching scary movie franchises. First was Friday the 13th, and then I just wrapped up Nightmare on Elm Street on Friday. Both were … not great, but Elm Street is objectively better. Well next up is the Halloween series. It just feels like it will be much better. The first of these movies generally is the best anyway, so we’ll see.

I enjoy Halloween, mostly for the decorations. I love how, as a holiday, it can be either very scary, or very silly, or sometimes a mix of both. I love Halloween decorations, I love how for a few weeks a year people are just like, “Here’s a goddamn skeleton in my yard, I don’t know.” It’s great. I don’t really like dressing up myself, but I like seeing people’s costumes. It’s a fun holiday. I hope you have had or are going to have a great Halloween!

New Years Resolutions

It’s October, which is the perfect time to think up some New Years Resolutions, right? I wasn’t going to do any resolutions until I read on Twitter about how someone is going to give up buying new stuff in 2022 and I thought, “Hey, that’s a great idea, I think I can do that.”

I’ve narrowed it down to five reasonable resolutions that I think I could do over the course of a year. The first two I’m going to be focused the most on, but here they all are in no particular order:

1. Buy Nothing New. With the exception of groceries and absolute necessities (like medication and stuff). I really don’t think this one will be that difficult. The most troublesome part of it is that it’s easy to get stuff quickly from Amazon, or just head over to Target or whatever. Now if I need a new pair of pants I’ll have to wade through the used pants section of Goodwill, which is a pain in the ass. Oh well. Looks like I’ll be hitting up Goodwill a lot in 2022.

2. Use Less Plastic. I haven’t started this yet but I did weigh all of the plastic I threw away or recycled last week, just to get a sense of how much I used. Total, I used 483 grams, which is about 17 ounces or 1 pound. However, for four of the seven days I used roughly 40g, so I’m hoping 30-50g will be my average per day. This means I will have to clean out my tupperware when it gets gross and moldy inside, instead of just throwing it away.

3. Move Every Day. Five minutes, an hour. Moving is important! Humans weren’t meant to be stationary.

4. Eat Less. Honestly I just eat too much food. I’m going to try to keep to portion sizes and not concern myself too much with calorie counts and such. I know what’s good for me and what’s not. Let’s just keep it simple. Fist size of meat, thumb size of chocolate or whatever. Don’t think about it too much.

5. Watch More Movies. I just gotta watch more movies, in the theater if possible! I’m gonna shoot for at least one movie a week.

The New Toaster Era

I bought a new toaster. My old toaster oven kept catching on fire, which, when you think about it, is kind of bad. Definitely wasn’t on the list of features.

This new toaster is an upright one, meaning I can no longer reheat frozen burritos in it, unless I want to . It does have a “reheat” feature, which I am taking to mean for toaster strudels and not, say, a slab of ham.

It is a good toaster. It is a fine toaster. All Hail the New Toaster. I just need you all to know that I got a new toaster. I know it’s a very mundane thing but it’s important. It’s important that I tell you. Because what is my life if you don’t know what things I own? A shell, a masquerade, a falsehood—that’s what. I have a new toaster.

I have a new toaster.

Floor Stuff

You ever drop something on the floor and then when you go to pick it up, you drop it again?

Isn’t that second drop just infuriating? The first drop’s just an accident, but the second time you’re like “What in the actual fuck, am I having a stroke or something, these are perfectly good fingers meant to dexterously pick up items from the ground—hell, this is all my ape ancestors did one million years ago and they hung from branches and never wiped their asses. And yet I can’t get my goddamn keys off the linoleum floor the first time? Give me a break, what is the point of being the most intelligent creature on the entire Earth if I can’t get my fucking keys off the fucking floor.”

Drop something a third time trying to pick it up the second time? It’s too late now, might as well just leave it on the ground. It’s not your car anymore, whoever finds those keys and is able to pick them up is the King Arthur of your 2002 Ford Focus.

Etymology of the Verb “To Nut”

I’m fascinated by the term “to nut,” particularly that it seems to be a continual contraction of a larger phrase, “to bust a nut.” Why did we drop the “bust” part? Read on, dear … readers, fuck, note to self: edit this part to make it sound better before you send this.

First off, testicles look like nuts. Apparently this connection came about in the early 20th century; probably some humor columnist in the New York Times made the connection, and erudite readers passed this profound knowledge down to their butlers and stableboys, who laughed with glee.

Specifically, testicles kind of look like walnut shells. (Source: my opinion.)

Then, ejaculating was termed “to bust a nut” somewhere around the 1930s. What the hell people were doing in the 1930s that put this phrase into existence we’ll never know. But it meant then what it means now. It gained popularity through Black culture, namely Blaxploitation porn films as well as hip hop music.1

At some point after the rise of the term in general, the idea of “busting” the nut faded away, an elision that created the verb “to nut,” which refers to ejaculating. The earliest entry on Urban Dictionary for this particular turn of phrase is from 2002, but the Online Slang Dictionary (which I just discovered) has someone submit the term in 1998.2 So it’s been around for awhile, and a great post on Reddit seems to have tracked down early 90s references as well. Again, it is a phrase coined in the Black community, which white people then co-opted for their own use, much like … everything else.

Anyway, that’s how a noun turned into a verb. Thank you.

I Made A D&D Monster

Mad that there aren’t enough elemental creatures in the D&D 5th edition Monster Manual(s)? Here’s a thing I made up, along with a terrible drawring!

The Kilcoaln

Kilcoaln (pron. KILL-kolln)
large beast/elemental, unaligned
Armor Class 20 (natural armor)
Hit Points 75 (10d10 + 20)
Speed 30ft
STR +5 | DEX +2 | CON +5 | INT -2 | WIS +0 | CHA -3

Damage Resistances bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical attacks Damage Immunities fire
Senses darkvision 120ft, passive Perception 16
Languages —
Challenge 4 (1,100 XP)
Proficiency Bonus +2

Heat Aura. Creatures who start their turn within 5ft of the kilcoaln take 3 (2d6) fire damage.

Actions

Multiattack. The kilcoaln can make two slam attacks.

Slam. Melee attack, +7, 5ft, one target. 10 (2d10+5) bludgeoning damage. Can sacrifice second attack to push target back 10ft.

Bite. Melee attack, +7, 5ft, one target. 9 (2d8+5) piercing, 14 (4d6) fire.

Fire Breath (recharge 5-6). 15ft cone. Creatures within the cone must make a DC 13 Dexterity saving throw or take 21 (6d6) fire damage.

Information

Kilcoaln, also known as ashbreeders, are fire elemental beasts native to the Plane of Fire. At first glance they appear to be large, pseudo-quadripedal creatures, anywhere from 5-8ft tall and about 15-20ft long. They walk not unlike a gorilla, usually on four legs but sometimes on two. Their forelimbs are longer than their hindlimbs, giving them a sloped look. Their forelimbs bend slightly at the elbow (but not enough for significant mobility) and end in stumps with a rocky-esque texture. Their hindlimbs also bend, moreso than the forelimbs, but inward, like a bird’s legs, and end with similar rocky-textured stumps. Their exterior skin resembles petrified wood or bark, often gray to pitch black in color.

What makes a kilcoaln unique is its enormous mouth in its torso, and its two large bulbous white eyes perched in front of it, sitting in slight basins in the skin. Its eyes are always wide open, giving them a strange, constant surprised look. Instead of blinking, their eyes sink into the upper torso of the creature, which they do maybe once an hour or so. They can also swivel in nearly any direction.

Kilcoaln eat by breathing fire out of their torso mouths onto organic objects, until those objects become nothing but blackened carbon. They then eat this carbon by licking it up with their broad, spiny tongues, which often creates a “polished” look to wherever they have foraged. Later, the waste is excreted all over their exterior as an ashy substance which hardens and becomes their skin. Over time, kilcoaln develop incredibly dense, thick skin, and dying of old age for them means being unable to move, eventually “solidifying” in one spot and starving to death.

Because of their eating habits, kilcoaln are omnivores, and more often scavengers, as natural flora on the Plane of Fire is rare. In fact, they were primarily known as carnivores until they were taken to other planes, where it was discovered that they’ll just eat anything that’s been turned into carbon. Kilcoaln ranchers usually have a trough of charcoal for feeding their flock. They don’t need to eat a lot to survive, and can even enter dormant states if they haven’t had food for more than a couple of weeks. After that, hungry kilcoaln can attempt to kill a creature for sustenance, and their large, oaken-like forelimbs are perfect for crushing their prey. They are very strong and hardy and surprisingly fast.

Kilcoaln are social creatures, tending to meander in herds of a couple dozen, leaving a wake of blackened, charred and polished earth behind them. “Ashbreeder stones” are sites where numerous kilcoaln have died, leaving their corpses behind—kilcoaln will often return to sites where their ancestors died to die themselves. They are slow moving when feeding and spend a lot of their time breathing fire on objects so they can eat them. Because of this, kilcoaln can sometimes become infested with fungi, which attach to their skin and grow outside them. In fact, the kilcoaln has no real predators, but they frequently succumb to fungi which have burrowed into their bodies like parasites. Kilcoaln who have died this way are used as smoking charcoal for meats and fish; the particular combination of fungus and smoke is considered a delicacy in certain areas.

Kilcoaln are also domesticated for use in forges in the Plane of Fire, as they are easy to train and can temper the heat of their fire to a surprising degree.

NaNoWriMo 2021

I’m doing NaNoWriMo yet again, starting tomorrow. Here is my profile if you’d like to be writing buddies. I don’t have a plan or an outline or anything, so this year should be fun! I think I’m going to try and write something “young adulty,” but we’ll see how long I can keep that up before I start cursing like a sailor.

Come Find Me

I’m on some social medias. Rather than relist them all here, just go to my Linktree!

https://linktr.ee/jcbelville

That’s All

Thanks for reading! If you have questions or comments or what have you, feel free to reply to this email or find me on Twitter or whatever! See you in November!

This is The Belville Baguette, a newsletter about Life stuff, musings, D&D and video games, poetry, all sorts of stuff.