Reviewing A Top 100 Playlist

because content. that’s why.

A while back, I saw a friend’s Instagram story, wherein they displayed what song was #1 on the Top 100 Billboard charts on their 18th birthday. I thought it would be neat to extrapolate that and make a playlist with every #1 song on the Top 100 Billboard chart during the week of my birthday (5/12, write it down, I love presents) for as long as I’ve been born. Then, in peak Belvillian fashion, I began writing the post and then promptly forgot about it. But I am resurrecting it now! Because I can. The results are … interesting, to say the least. Let’s review it—for content!

Here’s the playlist on Spotify if you want to listen along.

1983: Beat It – Michael Jackson

A classic song of the modern era and the Hard Mode version of separating the art from the artist. Sure, Michael Jackson diddled kids in his neotenic Neverland Ranch, but his songs are good! They’re too good! Ah well, Michael’s career is incredible and his life is ultimately pretty tragic. A complicated figure. I love how the music video asks us to watch Michael cosplaying as some kind of gang member or thug or something. Please, man. Give us a break. Nobody ever thought you were hard enough to be in a gang, even in 1983.

1984: Hello – Lionel Richie

Another classic song, this time by a guy who didn’t diddle kids, as far as I know. The chord progression in this song is excellent, and Lionel spends no time getting to the chorus, which is the best part so it makes sense to ramp up there ASAP. Of course, we all know this song because of the music video, in which we get to see a blind woman make a terrible sculpture of his head. Kind of sours the project a bit, don’t you think? On the other hand … would a blind woman make a perfect sculpture of Lionel Richie’s head? Probably not. A perfectly topographical sculpture, maybe. So you have to forgive her a little bit.

1985: Don’t You (Forget about Me) – Simple Minds

I mean, can you think of a more iconic 80s song than this? Sure, there are a lot of iconic songs from the 80s, but if you were going to ask me to name the iconic song, the one that defines the 1980s, I’d probably pick this one. It’s great and it just embodies the 80s in a way that other songs don’t. This song is simultaneously timeless and incredibly timely, and honestly, you just don’t hear stuff like this anymore. It’s got a quality that’s truly different. I’m glad it was #1 when I turned two.

1986: Greatest Love of All – Whitney Houston

This is the first song on the list that I’ve never heard before, which is surprising. Though I’m not much of a “ballad” fan, so it probably just slipped past my radar. It’s a fine song but ballads generally don’t wow me, with a few exceptions. (Like Houston’s better hit, “I Will Always Love You.”)

1987: With or Without You – U2

Wouldn’t be the 80s without U2. Not their most iconic song, but it’s up there. It’s alright. Not my favorite U2 song (I don’t know if I even have a favorite U2 song) but it gets the job done. I have a hate/love relationship with U2 — I think the first three or four songs on each of their albums is alright, but the rest of the album sucks. Frontloading your Side A is a key staple of album creation back when albums still had sides, but for U2 it just feels like they don’t have enough good material.

1988: Anything for You – Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine

Another song I haven’t heard before. I’ve never been a huge fan of Gloria Estefan, to be fair. It’s alright. I have virtually no opinion of it!

1989: I’ll Be There for You – Bon Jovi

Did you know that the Friends theme is a cover of this song?! I had no fucking clue. How wild is that? I guess the 80s power ballads really struck a nerve with the Rembrandts.1 It’s a decent song, surprised it made #1 though. One of those scenarios where a song hits #1 and 20 years later you’re like “That song?” Bon Jovi really chews those vocals though. All rough and growly. Good job sir.

1990: Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor

Hey remember when Sinead ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL? Good song (thanks Prince). Fuck the Pope. Good on Sinead for speaking her truth even though it basically ruined her career. For the Pope? He’s just a guy in a funny hat! A fuckin’ Nazi was the Pope for a bit there! Anyway, take it easy, Catholics. He’s just a guy in a funny hat, okay? I’m sure if Jesus came to Earth today he would look at the Pope and be like, “What’s up with the hat?”

1991: I Like the Way – Hi-Five

Hadn’t heard of this song but I enjoyed it! Very, very entrenched in early 90s hip hop. The video screams “ripping off MC Hammer” but you can’t really fault them for that. Classic 808 sounds in there, just *chef’s kiss*.

1992: Jump – Kris Kross

This song, as the kids say, “slaps.” Novelty aside (they wore their pants on backwards!), it’s just a really fun song and the sample is excellent. It’s a solid early 90s hip hop song! I hadn’t heard it in decades and it really holds up. Like their backwards pants! Makes me wish they had gone farther in their career.

1993: That’s the Way Love Goes – Janet Jackson

First off, there’s a whole intro to this music video that I never knew existed because VH1 or MTV would always cut it out to get straight to the song. I was 10 years old when this song came out but I didn’t really see the video until I was 13 because that’s when my parents finally got cable. And right on time too, because puberty hit and this song and video were Too Sexy and helped contribute to confirming my heterosexuality for sure. This was back when sexy music videos and Sears lingerie catalogs were all we had. Anyway I’m sorry, this is a very sexy song and very groovy and good, I don’t mean to make this all about how stupid hot Janet Jackson is.

1994: The Sign – Ace of Base

Absolutely one of my favorite songs of all time. A classic. We all know this song. No need to continue.

1995: This is How We Do It – Montell Jordan & Wino

Another classic, a song you could play at a house party now, in 2022, and people would dance to it. It’s weird to think back on 90s rap and hip hop and remember how much it swirled around gang violence. Nowadays it’s almost come full circle with the Soundcloud rappers all killing each other. This is one of those songs about being cool and having a good time and NOT killing each other. (“All the gang bangers forgot about the drive-by”.) Thanks, Montell, for providing a safe space for gang bangers.

1996: Tha Crossroads – Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

This song was everywhere when it came out. You couldn’t walk to the end of the block without tripping over this song three times. People were freaking out about the fast-paced rapping style. We were like, “This is impossible. No one can rap this fast.” Remember, friends: Snow walked so that Bone Thugs-N-Harmony could run. I’m not hooked on this song or anything, it’s alright, but it certainly is iconic for hip hop in general.

1997: Hypnotize – The Notorious B.I.G.

This is one of those rap songs where you could hate rap but you can’t hate this song. Biggie’s flow is just too good. The song is too good. The gang violence of the 90s sucked ass. Imagine if Biggie was alive today, all the great stuff he would’ve put out. Ah well, just a classic of the 90s. I’m biased because I was 14 when this came out so everything was amazing because my frontal lobe was in deep thinker mode, but still. Great song.

1998: Too Close – Next

Genuinely shocked that this song is here. I think about this song at least once a month, if not more. It’s one of the first songs I remember where the lyrics are just explicitly sex-related. This song is literally about a guy dancing with a girl and he’s grinding on her and he gets a boner. That’s the song. That’s literally the song. And it’s not a bad song, music-wise! But it’s like … that’s all you came up with? A boner song? And, honest to god, I didn’t know it was about that for yeeeaaars. At some point I listened to it and was like, “Wait a minute … did he just say ‘it’s almost like we’re sexing’?” The late 90s were wild, folks.

1999: Livin’ la Vida Loca – Ricky Martin

It’s amazing how influential MTV and VH1 were back in the day. I feel like if this song came out now it wouldn’t be nearly as popular because music influencing is so fragmented these days. This song was heavy rotation on MTV, you’re singing it in your head right now, you don’t even need to watch the video, you know exactly what this song sounds like. Too bad Ricky’s in some hot water right now for sexual assault allegation against his nephew (yikes). But you can’t dodge the immensity of this song. It is a Templar Crusade of music.

2000: Maria Maria – Santana feat. The Product G&B

Santana was your dad’s music until 1999. The guy came basically out of nowhere with this album that absolutely demolished the airwaves. “Smooth,” with Rob Thomas … again, you know what that song sounds like, unless you lived in a cave 20 years ago. I owned this album, I listened to it constantly. This was a great track, Smooth was good too, honestly.2 There’s a track with Eagle-Eye Cherry in there, remember him? I’m telling you, if you haven’t heard this entire album, you owe it to yourself to have a listen. Santana is legit.

2001: All for You – Janet Jackson

Two Janet tracks on this list and I am happy with that. This was three years before that Super Bowl thing and Janet’s arms are sculpted. Girl is working out. I love this song, it’s so bright and fresh and it just feels good to listen to.

2002: Foolish – Ashanti

Hey it’s Terrence Howard! It’s funny how he’s playing some kind of abusive boyfriend in this music video because apparently he’s an abusive asshole in real life! Wow. This is a classic of the 2000s and a good song, but also marks the start of the #1 hits diverging from my own personal tastes. It happens; it was around this point that I started to become obsessed with indie music and, strangely, French house. C’est la vie.

2003: Get Busy – Sean Paul

Further diverging. Unsurprisingly I have heard this song, but never “officially,” as in, I’ve never sat down and listened to it. It just existed in the world in 2003. You couldn’t not hear it. It was a fog of Sean Paul. I actually kind of like it but I feel like I didn’t really listen to it at the time because it felt so absolutely distant from who I am as a person. In hindsight that was a stupid opinion — it’s not like I felt that way about “Hypnotize” — but that’s what happens when you’re in your 20s. You make silly decisions for silly reasons. (To be fair, imagine me at 20 blasting this from my 1990 Pontiac Grand Am that my grandmother gave me because she had her feet amputated due to diabetes.)

2004: Yeah! – Usher feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris

God, Usher. Usher is the reason I know about the Adonis Belt. I saw some video of him on MTV around this time where he was talking about his fitness routine, and he was doing I believe hip thrusts for the ol’ belt. D’Angelo’s “Untitled” music video came out four years before and I think every guy was thinking about D’Angelo’s … I mean their own Adonis Belts. Usher I think is one of the first people I saw that made me think, “Oh, there are levels of life that I’ll just never reach.” I don’t even mean that negatively, I just saw his rise to fame and was like, “Holy shit, I’ll never get there.” Another song that was absolutely everywhere and is STILL everywhere thanks to commercials. Also, Ludacris! Much better rapper than he is actor. (Okay I take that back, he’s gotten better over the years.)

2005: Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani

We won’t get into the level of crush that I had for Gwen Stefani growing up, or how that crush deflated immediately once she started dating Blake fucking Shelton. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were the perfect alternative couple. I won’t be swayed here. No Doubt was one of my favorite bands of the 90s. So this song was a weird departure. Listening to it now, the sparseness of the track is so surprising. It’s kind of … not good? I don’t know. It’s so different and strange compared to her No Doubt stuff. I think it got popular more because it was like an anthem, rather than a good song. Whatever, I still respect Gwen for guesting on a Brian Setzer Orchestra song. Takes guts to attach yourself to the swing revival of the late 90s.

2006: SOS – Rihanna

I don’t really know this song very well. I know “Umbrella” better. But good lord, this lady is attractive. Hoo boy. I don’t have much of an opinion on the song. It’s alright. Honestly, “Tainted Love” is a better song because it’s not just a constant sample on repeat.

2007: Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5

I barely know this song but it’s great that it’s here considering the recent cheating controversy about the Maroon 5 guy. I was never a huge fan of this band and I’m still not. But I think this song is pretty good. But to me it also sounds different from most of the other Maroon 5 songs I’ve heard cause it’s got a good beat and a kind of disco-y vibe to it, which I generally enjoy. Unfortunately I’ve always thought this band was kind of douchey to begin with, so this is the most I’ll ever listen to Maroon 5.

2008: Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

Don’t know this song. Don’t know this artist! This was the year I moved to Portland, so a lot was up in the air at the time. It’s alright.

2009: Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas

Ah, the Black Eyed Peas. I think this song kind of sucks. How did it get #1? Was it Fergie? I think Fergie is better than Black Eyed Peas, but I also think will.i.am is better than the Black Eyed Peas. And then there’s this other guy. Who’s the other guy? Where did he go? And a fourth guy too?! Half of the Black Eyed Peas just fell off the face of the Earth. Seriously, I don’t know why this group got as popular as it did. Moving on!

2010: OMG – Usher feat. will.i.am

Never heard this before! It’s okay. I feel like the later 2000s had some not great #1 hits. Probably streaming’s fault, taking away all those CD sales! will.i.am is kind of mediocre. Again, not sure why this got to #1. The popularity of Usher in general, I assume.

2011: E.T. – Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

Katy Perry is one of those artists that I just never listened to. But I actually remember this song barely because it’s a somewhat popular TikTok audio, I think? I have very little opinion of Katy3 but I think this is a pretty neat song. Makes me rethink my opinions on Mrs. Bloom! Kanye is fine, this was back when he took his meds so I’m not cringing.

2012: Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye & Kimbra

A one hit wonder?! In this day and age? A pretty good song, Kimbra is like 10x more interesting though, you should check her stuff out. Just fascinating that this guy showed up, released a hit song, and then disappeared. It’s not even like he tried for another hit, as far as I know. He was just like “check this out” and then poof, gone. Maybe he killed a guy or something, I dunno.

2013: Can’t Hold Us – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton

Not gonna watch this whole video. I remember the song but I generally dislike Macklemore. Is this the song where he was like “I love gay people”? Meh, bleh. Not my cup of tea. The song, not gay people! I love gay people. I don’t like the song. I feel kinda bad because “Thrift Shop” was such a hit and then the rest of his stuff was just kind of meh.

2014: All of Me – John Legend

John Legend is one of those artists where I can tell he’s a good artist and is talented but I just don’t like his music. Like, this sounds good and I can tell that people would like it enough for it to get to #1, but to me it’s just kind of a bleh ballad thing. That’s it. That’s my opinion. I’m a boring guy who has more sentimentality over material goods than I do people. Would I write a love song to a grilled cheese sandwich? Totally. But my wife? Just feels like a chore, honestly.4

2015: See You Again – Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth

I had no idea who Charlie Puth was until I got TikTok. Now I know he’s the guy who has perfect pitch. He’s alright. In this video he kinda looks like Andy Samberg. The song’s alright. Fast and the Furious, though … that shit’s gold. It’s all about family. RIP Paul Walker.

2016: Panda – Desiigner

Never heard this song, but it also sounds familiar so maybe I have heard it? Guy says “panda” a lot, hence the name of the song. Is this mumblecore? I don’t know rap styles anymore except drill, and that’s because of Pete and Bas. Is this drill? It’s not terrible. I can see how the kids could like this. Me though, gimme that “Hypnotize,” gimme Skee Lo’s “I Wish.” I guess I’m stuck in that rap sound.

2017: That’s What I Like – Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars is super popular and I know none of his songs except the 24k Magic song. I’ve never heard this song. He definitely apes older styles of music, I think that’s what helps him be so popular. It’s not a bad song! But there’s something about that just doesn’t make it for me. I think maybe it’s because there are songs that already basically sound like this? Like, maybe Gen Z likes this sound because it’s new to them, but Millennials and Gen X have already heard this sound. Oh well, to each their own. Not a bad song!

2018: Nice for What – Drake

I generally dislike Drake as a person and am not a huge fan of his music. The end.

2019: Old Town Road (remix) – Lil Nas X & Billy Ray Cyrus

I’ll be honest: I think this song kind of sucks. BUT. I think Lil Nas X is awesome. And the video is great. Conflicted! I know I’m not alone in that opinion, but I think Nas is getting better with each subsequent release. He’s like the Rebecca Black of Black people. Is that racist? Also fuck it, I like Billy Ray Cyrus. Fuck it all. He’s great in this video. FUCK IT I love you Billy Ray Cyrus, you went through shit in the 90s, your daughter is all over the place. You deserve this win.

2020: Say So – Doja Cat

Doja is one of my favorite social media personalities. She is weird and fun. Her music’s alright too! Not something I’d pick to listen to but I like it when I hear it. This song’s pretty good and is stuck in my head because of TikTok. I can tell though that I am getting older because I can feel how divergent the #1 hits are from what I’m actually listening to.

2021: Save Your Tears (remix) – The Weeknd & Ariana Grande

I liked that Weeknd album that was produced by Daft Punk, but then I listened to it years later and decided that I didn’t like 80% of it. Overall not a fan of this guy’s music. I also have never really listened to Ariana Grande that much either. I’m diverging, you guys! The Popular Music just Ain’t for Me Anymore.

2022: Wait for U – Future feat. Drake & Tems

I’m glad I’m ending this with 2022 because who the fuck are are any of these people. Look, you kids can have it. I’m aware that around 30 I just dropped away from popular music. It’s okay. That’s how these things work. This Future guy seems cool, I’d hang out with him. Without Drake, of course. No opinion on Tems.